Welcome Welcome 2019!!!! This year will bring new changes, new adventures and big stages in my life.
For one scary instance, I'll be turning 30 this year! I can't even believe that I'll be 30. It doesn't even seem possible. I still feel like that 17 year old girl, sitting in my bedroom listening to music and wondering what life would be like in 5 years...10 years. Little did I know how fast the years would go. How fast the next 5,10 years will go. It all seems so unfair how fast it goes and how busy our lives get that we sometimes forget to live our lives or just stop to simply appreciate something as simple as a sunset.
It's hard, I totally get it. We all have so much to do, so much that needs to get done. Speaking of which I have SO many things I need to do. I promised myself I wouldn't get behind once I came home from the hospital, yet I have accomplished nothing other than some chores and the most important thing FAMILY time. I still need to order a birth certificate, pay bills, etc etc etc. I hate feeling out of routine and out of whack. But life doesn't always stay on the tracks and sometimes you veer off. Things change and new routine somehow settle in. I hope 30 I can stay focused on the little things and the loves of my life. I hope I learn to appreciate more and be more fearless. Love myself and who I am in general. It's 10:06 on a Sunday night and I'm on my third cup of coffee just so I can get some writing done. I have one more week with my husband off work and I plan to not sweat the small stuff and just enjoy the next 7 days we're all home together. Especially since it seems we'll be snowed in for the next 2 months with all this snow coming our way. (where was it during Christmas?) Life will happen, but how I handle it is my choice and the character I want to be.
I'm starting to realize that maybe we should start acting like the people we want the world to be filled with. I want kindness and compassion and love. Instead of wishing and preaching people to be those things, I need to be the example, and teach my children to be the same. To be taught is to experience.
Our family welcomed a new tribe member! Erik, Jack and myself were joined by a beautiful baby girl Violet Jaymes on January 7, 2019. 10 pounds and 6 oz, 20.25 inches long. Having a newborn in the house is exhausting, especially when chasing a newly turned 2 year old. Chaos has made itself well know in the Wineke Household. But I welcome it and challenge it. Thankfully I have Erik here to help me. We are learning this two kid thing together. I'm so thankful that I have two beautiful children who take up so much of my heart. I don't think there could be anymore room in my heart for anything else. How did I get so lucky!
Being a mother is physically and mentally exhausting, but worth every single moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm human and I lose my shit a million times a day. But give me a cup of coffee and 5 minutes of peace and quiet and I can come back at it with a 130%. Then I think of the world and how cruel it can be. My heart breaks at the thought of my kids suffering in the slightest. Wondering if somehow I have some kind of terrible karma out there floating for me and the karma will be affecting my children for my choices. They are so innocent and pure and so full of love and kindness and just everything beautiful and wonderful in the world and I just want so many great moments and experiences for my children that I feel overwhelmed with the desire to be so protective. Does this get easier? Letting go to allow them to feel every depth of the world? The ugly and the beautiful. I know life is a journey and with adventure you must endure bumpy trails to appreciate when the path is smooth and clear. To enjoy bits of heaven we must go through a little hell. My family means everything to me and I'm so thankful so very very thankful for my parents, my siblings, my husband, and mostly my two beautiful children. I never dreamed that one day I'd be a mother, let alone to two sweet darlings!
Something that doesn't get discussed often with the miracle of bringing a human into the world, is something that I know I have been hit with. When one gets pregnant we focus on the glow and the excitement of a sweet babe joining the world, the wonder of what a women's body is capable of doing and creating. It's all so amazing! The power and pain the body can endure to bring a child into the world, naturally or c section. The recovery a mother endures but suffers in bliss by the new love. There is a whirlwind that affects a new mother, no matter how many babies she has brought into the world. Postpartum affects so many wonderful mothers. The baby blues is something that I felt creeping in while I was still in the hospital. Instead of being embarrassed that I was feeling down when I have so many amazing reasons to be the happiest lady in the universe, I reached out to my very supportive and understanding husband, who helped me reach out to my doctor. I'n doing what I need to, to be on the mend and not only allowing my body to recovery but myself mentally and emotionally. My body endured so much during the pregnancy, the the delivery, and the aftermath. There's so many changes to my body and to my home life, that it makes sense for one to become overwhelmed even with so many blessings and beautiful things. I'm glad that I'm able to be more open with it. For the most part I feel its dark claws slipping away and I feel myself truly mending purely, but sometimes I can still feel it creeping and its okay to allow myself to feel those waves of emotions. I'm thankful that I can accept myself and the rollercoaster that my mind is on and I'm thankful for my loving husband who deals with the waves and the lash outs with such humble love and understanding. I just pray that everyone has the support that I have.
During this new transition, I've had my amazing friends, amazing family, and of course Erik be so helpful so I can heal my body. And this time I feel great. Nothing like the terrible experience with Jack. There's no pain, my body feels like mine again. I've lost 40 pounds already. My body is better than it was when I became pregnant. I feel I'm truly on the right path to be a great example for my children. I'm going to continue to love my body and to treat it right. I'm going to continue on loving myself and learning more about the person that I am, and being more accepting of who I am and what is my life. I'm truly on a beautiful adventure and I can't wait to see what will happen next.
New year new me and all the jazz, but I feel these are promises I've been making to myself for so many years that its just time for me to continue on this journey, even a small step at a time.
Its time to let love in, and let love out.
Happy new year everyone. Good luck this year, and I hope something wonderful happens to you all.
