I never learned how to balance a spoon on my nose. Maybe I have the wrong spoons, or even that I'm not using the proper spoon to nose techniques. My brain works in this flexible setting all the time. It just appreciates all these little moments that most people don't give a second though too.
As I waited for my coffee to brew (decaf for it is 9:54pm) I simply was holding the spoon out, drumming it against the palm of my hand. Lost in the tranquility of the steam that was embracing the air. It circled from the rich brew and freed itself into the air. Dancing as it found room to stretch.
It only took a second for me to try to balance the spoon to my nose. A quick flash to childhood when I would try like I saw in the movies of course. To my lack of surprise I couldn't perform the spoon trick and I may never get a sense of that. It's a bittersweet feeling, to think back to our lives and all the smallest of moments that end up being the biggest ones.
Growing up I remember driving through Governor Dodge State Park with my family. Sometimes my parents would stop and let us play in the playground. I loved being out there. I lost the appreciate for nature during those dreaded teenage years but have gained back my lust for birds singing, and trees being my shelter. (still haven't mustered an appreciation for sleeping in a tent yet, but hey life is far from over there's still time right?) Just a Thursday night on a summer day and we'd take a ride through the park. Windows down and the cool sweet breeze rushing by and sweetly caressing my cheeks. I can close my eyes and still feel it, and remember those days. Even the thoughts that would consume me.
I've realized that, I've always been a deep thinker. I think too much, too deep. It always branches into this deep and mind blowing trivial train of chaotic thoughts. All day every day. I wonder sometimes, what others are thinking about. Are we thinking about the same thing? How different are we all really? Is there someone out there like me? Why can't I be normal? Why would I even want to be normal? How different am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? What is life? Is this all some dream and we wake up when we die?
There's so many things that go through my head that its hard to find words to match all of them. I get anxious over my thoughts and they speak to me all the time, even when I'm trying to sleep. Its this record that never stills and the music is always playing. Only words and more words. I figure its a blessing, at least I know that my brain is working right? A working mind means and I'm still alive and that's a good thing.
I often wonder what people consider to be there sanctuary. Where do you feel safe. I'm not speaking in a physically matter, but in a emotionally and mentally aspect. Where do we allow ourselves to feel safe? Writing. That's my sanctuary. Where I can be absolutely free from expectations from myself, and the world. No limits I can create any masterpiece of words I can create worlds and people, I can be completely honest and completely unchained to any aspects contribution to my encasement. So I ask you,because I'm dying to know....what's your sanctuary?
Friday, March 30, 2018
Friday, March 16, 2018
Every step counts.
Adding exercise to my life has taught me so many things.
1. Hard work does pay off
2. If its hard, its worth it.
3.I'm strong. Mentally and physically.
4. I can do anything if I honestly put my mind to it
5. I'm unbreakable.
6. I'm human.
I'm so proud of how hard I've been working and how good I feel is a blessing in itself. I have more energy my body feels better and my mind is sharper. There's no way I can give up, I've come so far and I'm still standing at the base of the mountain.
I was asked what my motivation was. I spent a few days thinking about my drive. The very simple answer is. Love.
Love for myself, love for my life, love for my family, my son, for my friends. Love is the strongest push we will ever experience. It's my drive for all that I do.
I will not give up, I know my biggest obstacle will be myself, and the biggest fight and battle we will have in our lives is always against ourselves. I know that I can, and I know that I will because there isn't another choice.
I was lucky enough to spend extra time with Jack this week. It's been perfect. My heart aches watching him grow, even more so that there's nothing I can do to control how fast its all happening. I sit and look at him knowing these days will just be pictures I look back on. I'll sit with tear filled eyes wishing he was small again. Then I realized, I'm living in those picture now. I'm living in those future memories every day. Instead of worrying of when I'll be sitting down looking at the pictures but enjoying living in the pictures as long as I can.
Life is fast, but I don't need to tell you that. You already know. Sometimes I just stop and think, how did I get here? How much as changed...everything has and everything does.
The days never seem long enough, and a year is some chump change. I think I'm going to lose the virtue in time and just live. I spend so much wasted energy worrying about running out time. If I stopped believing in time then I would never run out of it right?
In a perfect world.
I'm a helpless lost soul wandering down
a long gravel path I stumbled upon.
I use to hide in the darkness wising on stars
now that I've felt the sun, I'm going far
I've been broken and tossed aside
but that's not going to happen this time
I've built myself up and put back the pieces
better than before, time has a way or erasing
the scars will honor my reflection
I will spit out the hate that life tries to infect in us.
I use to be broken and my mind off track
lost in the middle and no where to turn back
but I've found my vision and understand where I need to go
I'll get there when I'm ready nice and slow
It's all up to me.
I use to paint the sky with fallen showers of diamonds
that felt unpretty next to the glittering sky
I use to sit in that position tearing up myself wondering why
I never felt a place to blend in.
To be apart of it
It took many years before my heart knew
I wasn't born to be apart of the crews
I'm more than a shadow following along the pavement
I'm more than a quiet footstep against the cement
I'm a tall oak tree reaching for the sun
I'm learning to love the human I've become.
Live Freely,
Jenny
1. Hard work does pay off
2. If its hard, its worth it.
3.I'm strong. Mentally and physically.
4. I can do anything if I honestly put my mind to it
5. I'm unbreakable.
6. I'm human.
I'm so proud of how hard I've been working and how good I feel is a blessing in itself. I have more energy my body feels better and my mind is sharper. There's no way I can give up, I've come so far and I'm still standing at the base of the mountain.
I was asked what my motivation was. I spent a few days thinking about my drive. The very simple answer is. Love.
Love for myself, love for my life, love for my family, my son, for my friends. Love is the strongest push we will ever experience. It's my drive for all that I do.
I will not give up, I know my biggest obstacle will be myself, and the biggest fight and battle we will have in our lives is always against ourselves. I know that I can, and I know that I will because there isn't another choice.
I was lucky enough to spend extra time with Jack this week. It's been perfect. My heart aches watching him grow, even more so that there's nothing I can do to control how fast its all happening. I sit and look at him knowing these days will just be pictures I look back on. I'll sit with tear filled eyes wishing he was small again. Then I realized, I'm living in those picture now. I'm living in those future memories every day. Instead of worrying of when I'll be sitting down looking at the pictures but enjoying living in the pictures as long as I can.
Life is fast, but I don't need to tell you that. You already know. Sometimes I just stop and think, how did I get here? How much as changed...everything has and everything does.
The days never seem long enough, and a year is some chump change. I think I'm going to lose the virtue in time and just live. I spend so much wasted energy worrying about running out time. If I stopped believing in time then I would never run out of it right?
In a perfect world.
I'm a helpless lost soul wandering down
a long gravel path I stumbled upon.
I use to hide in the darkness wising on stars
now that I've felt the sun, I'm going far
I've been broken and tossed aside
but that's not going to happen this time
I've built myself up and put back the pieces
better than before, time has a way or erasing
the scars will honor my reflection
I will spit out the hate that life tries to infect in us.
I use to be broken and my mind off track
lost in the middle and no where to turn back
but I've found my vision and understand where I need to go
I'll get there when I'm ready nice and slow
It's all up to me.
I use to paint the sky with fallen showers of diamonds
that felt unpretty next to the glittering sky
I use to sit in that position tearing up myself wondering why
I never felt a place to blend in.
To be apart of it
It took many years before my heart knew
I wasn't born to be apart of the crews
I'm more than a shadow following along the pavement
I'm more than a quiet footstep against the cement
I'm a tall oak tree reaching for the sun
I'm learning to love the human I've become.
Live Freely,
Jenny
Monday, March 12, 2018
I promise, I see you/ Dear Jack
Just another one of those days where I'm overthinking everything.
As I sat down to eat lunch with Jack, listening to some beautiful Irish music, and the steady hum of the washing machine rumbling in the laundry closet....I enjoyed the solitude that that the hour gave me.
Watching Jack enjoy his white cheddar covered shells and peas as I enjoyed the same, I thought about our upcoming Culture night. We picked Ireland for St. Patrick's day. Thinking of the corned beef and cabbage and red potatoes, trying to think of what side and dessert that would be fun to make to go along it. Excited about the books I have to share with those coming, of fun facts, fun wit and wisdom, and classic fairytales we could read to the kids as the evening will settle down for the night.
I got to thinking of all the people I've come to meet in my life. Whether it was for a split second, a quick smile as we passed one another in the market, people I know quite well, or people I've known my entire life but truly don't know.
I'm always thinking about what I can do to make the world a better place, where can I stare, how can I succeed. I think of all the things people can miss out on, on the things that I can miss out on. All of these deep thoughts swirling in my brain causing an ache in my heart. A sadness that consumes me.
I look at my son, my beautiful sweet boy. I can start with him. I can play my role as a mother and do all that I can to make sure I bring into this world a human that has love and kindness in his heart. I will teach him to project the love and passionate stems of him soul and give it to the world. It's not always what I can do to change the world, but what I can teach to help change the world.
To my son, My sweet amazing beautiful boy.
This world isn't always black and white. In fact there are more shades of grey than you'll be able to see more you'll be able to understand. Don't waste time or energy trying to get to the bottom of it all. Some things in life aren't meant to be understood rather than to be accepted. I hope by the time you face these lines and shades I've raised you strong enough to determine what is meant to be investigated and what is meant to be accepted. I hope that by the time you come to a crossroad you feel I have given you enough courage to choose a path and whatever may come during that path you are able to take it on with love in your heart, wisdom in your brain and the courage and confidence in your soul to keep going and succeed. I hope I have shown you a love so great that you pass it on to others. Give love and kindness even to those who do not show you the same compassion, but even in your kindness you will fight and defend yourself to the greatest means that you are capable of. Never be a doormat for anyone. Know your worth, know yourself, and know when you are capable of better things. Respect Women, and Men. For we are equal and no gender is better than the other. Learn something new at every chance that you can. Grow as a person far after your body grows. Sing, keep a journal, draw. Allow the fire in your body and mind escape. You are strong, and greater than any mountain. You are brighter and more stunning than any reign of stars. You are the moon and you are the sun, and the sky is yours. I hope even long after I'm gone that you can still feel my love burning bright inside of you. You hear my words of encouragement and grace. Sweet boy your heart will break, you'll be exposed to things I wish I could shield you from. People will be kind to you, people will be cruel and I pray that at the end of it all you will know that you are better, and what people think of you will never EVER define you. It's how you see yourself that matters, its who YOU are and want to be that will define your legacy. Always remember you're kind and loved beyond all the greatest wonders of the world. To us, you are the greatest wonder in life.
It's hard to be consumed of thoughts, I'm grateful that my mind is always curious and deepening as I grow. Sometimes its exhausting to be consistently writing with my brain, and frustrating that I don't always carry a pen and paper with me to catch every single one of them. All that matters is that I'm carrying on and doing the best I can. Changing the world with the most powerful weapon...my ability to mother, and parent. What I brought into the world is so much bigger than my dreams of a writer, but its in the form of my parenting. I can teach my son to be so much better than myself and the people that pollute hate into this Earth. I pray that one day the world will be in a much better state, but honestly with the rate that we are going, its only going to get worse. I need to prepare my son to be strong and smart but also able to be loving and kind and bring that back into the world.
I wish I could bring back someone from a hundred years ago, and show them the state of our world now. Show them some of the brilliant inventions and discoveries that have been made, some of the extraordinary things that have happened, but to also show them how discrimination and prejudice is still quite alive and people are still fighting for rights. How hateful some people still are and make sure to point out how beautiful some are.
To you, person reading this, you may be here out of your own curious mind to see what I could possibly be writing about. Or maybe you're bored looking for something to waste a few minutes. Or perhaps...you're fighting some kind of battle, and feeling a little lost.
I see you, and just know it will get better. Somehow in some way it will all sort out and you'll be able to breathe, you'll be able to get back on that path you were meant to follow. Keep fighting a day at a time and eventually it will all get back on track. Even when you feel small, and invisible, just know I see you, and I'm rooting for you.
Live Freely, Jenny.
When the sun doesn't want to rise
and the darkness settles in for a longer visit
The pit of your stomach twists in knots
You want to keep moving, lord knows you've tried
Its hard to keep getting back up
after a hundred punches
It can be difficult to see pass the water in your eyes
when you've been laying in your own rut
The sun will never forget you
Soon the clouds will part
warmth will come back to you
and you'll flourish bravely in an empty meadow
It's you that everyone will see.
Weak and small
want to be left alone
just a little fly on the wall
Voice so tiny, you're barely a whisper
A tiny burden no more than a sliver
but you're wrong
I see you and you've been heard. .
As I sat down to eat lunch with Jack, listening to some beautiful Irish music, and the steady hum of the washing machine rumbling in the laundry closet....I enjoyed the solitude that that the hour gave me.
Watching Jack enjoy his white cheddar covered shells and peas as I enjoyed the same, I thought about our upcoming Culture night. We picked Ireland for St. Patrick's day. Thinking of the corned beef and cabbage and red potatoes, trying to think of what side and dessert that would be fun to make to go along it. Excited about the books I have to share with those coming, of fun facts, fun wit and wisdom, and classic fairytales we could read to the kids as the evening will settle down for the night.
I got to thinking of all the people I've come to meet in my life. Whether it was for a split second, a quick smile as we passed one another in the market, people I know quite well, or people I've known my entire life but truly don't know.
I'm always thinking about what I can do to make the world a better place, where can I stare, how can I succeed. I think of all the things people can miss out on, on the things that I can miss out on. All of these deep thoughts swirling in my brain causing an ache in my heart. A sadness that consumes me.
I look at my son, my beautiful sweet boy. I can start with him. I can play my role as a mother and do all that I can to make sure I bring into this world a human that has love and kindness in his heart. I will teach him to project the love and passionate stems of him soul and give it to the world. It's not always what I can do to change the world, but what I can teach to help change the world.
To my son, My sweet amazing beautiful boy.
This world isn't always black and white. In fact there are more shades of grey than you'll be able to see more you'll be able to understand. Don't waste time or energy trying to get to the bottom of it all. Some things in life aren't meant to be understood rather than to be accepted. I hope by the time you face these lines and shades I've raised you strong enough to determine what is meant to be investigated and what is meant to be accepted. I hope that by the time you come to a crossroad you feel I have given you enough courage to choose a path and whatever may come during that path you are able to take it on with love in your heart, wisdom in your brain and the courage and confidence in your soul to keep going and succeed. I hope I have shown you a love so great that you pass it on to others. Give love and kindness even to those who do not show you the same compassion, but even in your kindness you will fight and defend yourself to the greatest means that you are capable of. Never be a doormat for anyone. Know your worth, know yourself, and know when you are capable of better things. Respect Women, and Men. For we are equal and no gender is better than the other. Learn something new at every chance that you can. Grow as a person far after your body grows. Sing, keep a journal, draw. Allow the fire in your body and mind escape. You are strong, and greater than any mountain. You are brighter and more stunning than any reign of stars. You are the moon and you are the sun, and the sky is yours. I hope even long after I'm gone that you can still feel my love burning bright inside of you. You hear my words of encouragement and grace. Sweet boy your heart will break, you'll be exposed to things I wish I could shield you from. People will be kind to you, people will be cruel and I pray that at the end of it all you will know that you are better, and what people think of you will never EVER define you. It's how you see yourself that matters, its who YOU are and want to be that will define your legacy. Always remember you're kind and loved beyond all the greatest wonders of the world. To us, you are the greatest wonder in life.
It's hard to be consumed of thoughts, I'm grateful that my mind is always curious and deepening as I grow. Sometimes its exhausting to be consistently writing with my brain, and frustrating that I don't always carry a pen and paper with me to catch every single one of them. All that matters is that I'm carrying on and doing the best I can. Changing the world with the most powerful weapon...my ability to mother, and parent. What I brought into the world is so much bigger than my dreams of a writer, but its in the form of my parenting. I can teach my son to be so much better than myself and the people that pollute hate into this Earth. I pray that one day the world will be in a much better state, but honestly with the rate that we are going, its only going to get worse. I need to prepare my son to be strong and smart but also able to be loving and kind and bring that back into the world.
I wish I could bring back someone from a hundred years ago, and show them the state of our world now. Show them some of the brilliant inventions and discoveries that have been made, some of the extraordinary things that have happened, but to also show them how discrimination and prejudice is still quite alive and people are still fighting for rights. How hateful some people still are and make sure to point out how beautiful some are.
To you, person reading this, you may be here out of your own curious mind to see what I could possibly be writing about. Or maybe you're bored looking for something to waste a few minutes. Or perhaps...you're fighting some kind of battle, and feeling a little lost.
I see you, and just know it will get better. Somehow in some way it will all sort out and you'll be able to breathe, you'll be able to get back on that path you were meant to follow. Keep fighting a day at a time and eventually it will all get back on track. Even when you feel small, and invisible, just know I see you, and I'm rooting for you.
Live Freely, Jenny.
When the sun doesn't want to rise
and the darkness settles in for a longer visit
The pit of your stomach twists in knots
You want to keep moving, lord knows you've tried
Its hard to keep getting back up
after a hundred punches
It can be difficult to see pass the water in your eyes
when you've been laying in your own rut
The sun will never forget you
Soon the clouds will part
warmth will come back to you
and you'll flourish bravely in an empty meadow
It's you that everyone will see.
Weak and small
want to be left alone
just a little fly on the wall
Voice so tiny, you're barely a whisper
A tiny burden no more than a sliver
but you're wrong
I see you and you've been heard. .
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
untitled.
Its just been one of those days, that's lasted all week. I feel I have no patience, and I'm just not doing the best that I could be doing.
Its hard when the night falls and I think back at the day knowing I could do better and I could be better.
I just keep telling myself Tomorrow is a new day to start over, to be better.
Tomorrow I truly intend to do so. There's so much I want to accomplish and so much I feel that I don't get done that it drives me crazy.
I'm so tired that my head just is in overdrive. I just have a picture of myself and I'm not doing what I can to fill that image.
I forget that I'm just a humble human and its okay to fail, okay to not be where I think I need to be, its that fact that I keep trying each and every day that matters.
Tomorrow is my last work day of the week. Tomorrow I plan to work hard on myself, and the love I give out. Just to sit back and enjoy where I am now and not worry too much about tomorrow. It's just a day that means the world to me and I need to live each day that way.
I'm excited to spend time with Jack, I sit and worry at the end of each day if I'm doing enough, loving enough, providing enough for him. It consumes me this motherhood thing. It's the greatest role I've ever been given and I intend to live in the greatest light of it. It passes by quickly and I'm so terrified of missing single moment of it, no matter how physically and emotionally tired I am.
My goal over the weekend is nothing. Just to sit back laugh, play, kiss,and cuddle my son. There's no greater way to spend my life while I still have his little hand that wants to hold mine.
Life is going to happen whether I'm ready or not. I'll have bad days where I'm not doing my best, not being my best. But understanding those days and myself I can help make the change that I need in order to make sure I'm always my best version.
Tomorrow is my day to remember that. Tomorrow is my start to just let little things go and to relax and just enjoy everything thrown at me. Whether its work. friendships, relationships, motherhood, wife hood, all of it.
Just enjoy.
Its hard when the night falls and I think back at the day knowing I could do better and I could be better.
I just keep telling myself Tomorrow is a new day to start over, to be better.
Tomorrow I truly intend to do so. There's so much I want to accomplish and so much I feel that I don't get done that it drives me crazy.
I'm so tired that my head just is in overdrive. I just have a picture of myself and I'm not doing what I can to fill that image.
I forget that I'm just a humble human and its okay to fail, okay to not be where I think I need to be, its that fact that I keep trying each and every day that matters.
Tomorrow is my last work day of the week. Tomorrow I plan to work hard on myself, and the love I give out. Just to sit back and enjoy where I am now and not worry too much about tomorrow. It's just a day that means the world to me and I need to live each day that way.
I'm excited to spend time with Jack, I sit and worry at the end of each day if I'm doing enough, loving enough, providing enough for him. It consumes me this motherhood thing. It's the greatest role I've ever been given and I intend to live in the greatest light of it. It passes by quickly and I'm so terrified of missing single moment of it, no matter how physically and emotionally tired I am.
My goal over the weekend is nothing. Just to sit back laugh, play, kiss,and cuddle my son. There's no greater way to spend my life while I still have his little hand that wants to hold mine.
Life is going to happen whether I'm ready or not. I'll have bad days where I'm not doing my best, not being my best. But understanding those days and myself I can help make the change that I need in order to make sure I'm always my best version.
Tomorrow is my day to remember that. Tomorrow is my start to just let little things go and to relax and just enjoy everything thrown at me. Whether its work. friendships, relationships, motherhood, wife hood, all of it.
Just enjoy.
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