Running out of a steam.
The engine dying out
The future so far gone
its hard to be seen.
Running until my shoes are bare
feeling the ground for miles
Its been days and I cannot
find a single reason why this is all fair.
I'm just waiting for direction
to follow until I'm satisfied
I'm just waiting for some indication
that this will all be worth this life
In the distance I'll see the enigma
of where I'm going and who I am,
what I am.
The beat of the cruel winds
keep me in a wicked trance
I'm speaking with the skies
waiting for the answers to begin
I'm in the river flowing out of my mind
levels of critical thinking clogged in the pipes
reaching out to hold the stability
Reality washing away is all I find.
Sunday, August 12, 2018
All for you
I just wanted to write again relating to parenting and basically some other thoughts that a 29 year old from the midwest may have.
I realize that my life isn't exciting to read about but, its so much of an adventure while living. The new job is going by great!!!!!! I have no regrets that I made the right decision. The money is so much better, the days are fast. It will help my family out so much! The people are great and as much as I love kids, its nice to only have to focus on mine. I'm not as emotionally exhausted at the end of the day and can use that extra energy toward the child that matters the most to me. My own! It's been so refreshing and so very exciting! I'm so thankful that this opportunity was given to me and that I had the courage to step out of my comfort zone and took it.
I've spent too much of my life worrying about how my actions would affect others. Hurting peoples feelings or letting them down. I decided to stop and start worrying about my life and my family and what I need and what my FAMILY needs. Taking this job was my first step in doing what I needed to move forward and to benefit my life with my family. I'm so unbelievably happy to have a job that is less emotional less mentally exhausting so I can dedicate more of myself to my family. I've continued to work hard in my health and I'm doing so well. I'm also addicted to pushing myself harder and harder. I want more, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not sweeping my desires and goals under the rug...I'm fighting full force to make it all come true. I'm not hiding behind the curtain, I'm dancing on stage and I'm the star. I will absorb the spotlight and take in all because I'm worth it and this is my life and I only get to write this story once. That's all. you get one life, so make it worth it all to the very end.
Sometimes, I feel that I'm not doing enough to make Jack's life the greatest. We haven't bought a house yet and I feel that a forever home will complete the family. I know it will happen in a few years but I'm so impatient. I want the world of him and I'm afraid that I will never be able to give him all the greatest opportunities in life or all the direction he will need. My heart hurts from all the love that fills for this small little boy. I get in a such terrible funks that I'm not doing well enough to be where I need to be or at least in be in the direction of where I want to go. I've been working so hard to try to manage these thoughts and all the things that need to be done so I can get to where I want to be for my family but I always feel like I'm failing and that I'll never be able to give the best to my family. Its this on going battle that I have with myself that brings me so low that sometimes I just feel like falling apart long after everyone else has gone to sleep. I know I'm too hard on myself and I put far too much pressure on myself but its these thoughts that keep encircling me that in a way motivate me to continue to push to find more to keep me wanting and fighting for more. I won't quick and I'll continue to do what I need to, to give the best to my family. Erik and I work HARD for everything that we have with NO help and I'm proud that we are able to get through this life on our own. We're still climbing our mountain and one day we will reach the top and it will be beautiful.
I need to learn to love the life I live while working on climbing. No more sad days because crying and worrying doesn't fix anything. We have food in the kitchen and roof over our heads and love in our home. We are wealthy in the ways that it matters.
I realize that my life isn't exciting to read about but, its so much of an adventure while living. The new job is going by great!!!!!! I have no regrets that I made the right decision. The money is so much better, the days are fast. It will help my family out so much! The people are great and as much as I love kids, its nice to only have to focus on mine. I'm not as emotionally exhausted at the end of the day and can use that extra energy toward the child that matters the most to me. My own! It's been so refreshing and so very exciting! I'm so thankful that this opportunity was given to me and that I had the courage to step out of my comfort zone and took it.
I've spent too much of my life worrying about how my actions would affect others. Hurting peoples feelings or letting them down. I decided to stop and start worrying about my life and my family and what I need and what my FAMILY needs. Taking this job was my first step in doing what I needed to move forward and to benefit my life with my family. I'm so unbelievably happy to have a job that is less emotional less mentally exhausting so I can dedicate more of myself to my family. I've continued to work hard in my health and I'm doing so well. I'm also addicted to pushing myself harder and harder. I want more, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not sweeping my desires and goals under the rug...I'm fighting full force to make it all come true. I'm not hiding behind the curtain, I'm dancing on stage and I'm the star. I will absorb the spotlight and take in all because I'm worth it and this is my life and I only get to write this story once. That's all. you get one life, so make it worth it all to the very end.
Sometimes, I feel that I'm not doing enough to make Jack's life the greatest. We haven't bought a house yet and I feel that a forever home will complete the family. I know it will happen in a few years but I'm so impatient. I want the world of him and I'm afraid that I will never be able to give him all the greatest opportunities in life or all the direction he will need. My heart hurts from all the love that fills for this small little boy. I get in a such terrible funks that I'm not doing well enough to be where I need to be or at least in be in the direction of where I want to go. I've been working so hard to try to manage these thoughts and all the things that need to be done so I can get to where I want to be for my family but I always feel like I'm failing and that I'll never be able to give the best to my family. Its this on going battle that I have with myself that brings me so low that sometimes I just feel like falling apart long after everyone else has gone to sleep. I know I'm too hard on myself and I put far too much pressure on myself but its these thoughts that keep encircling me that in a way motivate me to continue to push to find more to keep me wanting and fighting for more. I won't quick and I'll continue to do what I need to, to give the best to my family. Erik and I work HARD for everything that we have with NO help and I'm proud that we are able to get through this life on our own. We're still climbing our mountain and one day we will reach the top and it will be beautiful.
I need to learn to love the life I live while working on climbing. No more sad days because crying and worrying doesn't fix anything. We have food in the kitchen and roof over our heads and love in our home. We are wealthy in the ways that it matters.
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Changes
It's certainly been a while since I last had the chance to blog. Times are busy with a little one that loves to explore. In all honestly, I like devoting my daytime to him. Watching him learn and grow fills my heart with so much love and joy that I feel it may burst into a million pieces
Parenthood is heartbreaking. That's the fact of it. It's the most breathtaking experience, and the love you feel is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. But its heartbreaking. Watching and helping them grow. How fast it honestly goes boggles my mind.
Has time always moved this fast or just when you become a parent? I feel like once you join the parent club time suddenly shifts from fast to ultrasuperspeedoflight fast. Hold on, would you. Could I just have a minute to just look around and breath. To enjoy. Nope, life and time stop for no one. In order to stop and enjoy all these precious small moments that will literally be gone before we know it, we must create that space in time. Who cares what kind of car you have, the house you live in, what you do for a living. In the end, what memories do you want to keep? what memories are you going to wish you spent more time in?
I know what mine are. Being with my family, because love is the greatest gift in the world. And not just parenthood love, all the love. Its special and beautiful and should be cherished and appreciated. Love isn't something that is handed out or found easily. So go hug someone you love, take the day off of work and stay home and play or cuddle those babies of yours. YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK. Don't look back when your eighty years old wishing you had more pictures of you but because you thought you were fat, or didn't like your teeth, you never took family pictures. At the end of your life, none of those things will matter other than the life that is being lived in those pictures.
My little sweet Jack, sometimes I see this toddler in his place and it takes me a minute to realize how much he's grown. My poor happy heart.
Changes have been a BIG part of my life recently. I switched jobs. I gave up a job I love to have a job with more pay and a little more hours. It was a hard choice but one I needed to make. To better suit the needs of my family and the goals we have for the next few years, more money is something that is needed to become successful. We hope to buy a house in the next 4 years, pay off somethings, and put lots away. We're a team my husband and I and I felt that with this opportunity given to me, I could contribute more than I was to help him be the provider. Erik works hard day in and day out and even does tons of overtime without a complaint to support our family. Being part of a team is stepping up where you can. I'm confident in my choice to leave my job of two years, even though it was heartbreaking and I HATE CHANGE. It will take me a while to adjust but so far I'm really enjoying the place I've moved too, and the work that I do. The days go by fast and I'm learning on quickly of the job task ahead of me.
I'm still in Verona (currently anyways) for my new job and it still feels strange not driving to the old place of work, I'm currently in the surreal part of change, where it doesn't feel like its really happening and its just a strange moment in time. I hope in a few weeks that I'll fully adjust and get into the routine of the new life that I have took in.
On greater news, baby number 2 is on the way! In 3 weeks Erik will find out the gender. Its been a fast pregnancy. I do have Jack to thank for that as he keeps me busy. I'm beyond excited to have another baby, and Jack to have a sibling. Someone to grow up with and create a bond and memories with. One of my biggest fears was that he would be the only child and how lonely that life could be and it broke my heart. I'm so happy that he will have sibling in January. I will admit, that my head has been playing games. The worry of adjusting to two kids is a bit of an overwhelming thought to process. I keep worrying that I'll love one more than the other, or I won't give one as enough attention as the other. I worry sick about it day and nice. I've been promised it's a normal fear and that my heart will grow. I know it will, and I know that making enough time for both will just come naturally but its still a fear. I just want them both to have such amazing loved lives that its consumes me.
There's a whole new world coming to me in pieces,its exciting and scary but I'm still standing tall and confident that I can handle anything thrown at me. As long as I have my amazing family and my wonderful friends as support all the new changes that I think will throw me off will only be the mountain I climb.
So, make a change. Even if its scary. Trust me, I hate change. But its good for the soul,it allows you to see just how brave and strong you can be.
No poem tonight as I just finished my first work at the new job and I'm fried.
But love to you all, and may the odds forever be in your favor.
Live Freely,
Jenny
Parenthood is heartbreaking. That's the fact of it. It's the most breathtaking experience, and the love you feel is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. But its heartbreaking. Watching and helping them grow. How fast it honestly goes boggles my mind.
Has time always moved this fast or just when you become a parent? I feel like once you join the parent club time suddenly shifts from fast to ultrasuperspeedoflight fast. Hold on, would you. Could I just have a minute to just look around and breath. To enjoy. Nope, life and time stop for no one. In order to stop and enjoy all these precious small moments that will literally be gone before we know it, we must create that space in time. Who cares what kind of car you have, the house you live in, what you do for a living. In the end, what memories do you want to keep? what memories are you going to wish you spent more time in?
I know what mine are. Being with my family, because love is the greatest gift in the world. And not just parenthood love, all the love. Its special and beautiful and should be cherished and appreciated. Love isn't something that is handed out or found easily. So go hug someone you love, take the day off of work and stay home and play or cuddle those babies of yours. YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK. Don't look back when your eighty years old wishing you had more pictures of you but because you thought you were fat, or didn't like your teeth, you never took family pictures. At the end of your life, none of those things will matter other than the life that is being lived in those pictures.
My little sweet Jack, sometimes I see this toddler in his place and it takes me a minute to realize how much he's grown. My poor happy heart.
Changes have been a BIG part of my life recently. I switched jobs. I gave up a job I love to have a job with more pay and a little more hours. It was a hard choice but one I needed to make. To better suit the needs of my family and the goals we have for the next few years, more money is something that is needed to become successful. We hope to buy a house in the next 4 years, pay off somethings, and put lots away. We're a team my husband and I and I felt that with this opportunity given to me, I could contribute more than I was to help him be the provider. Erik works hard day in and day out and even does tons of overtime without a complaint to support our family. Being part of a team is stepping up where you can. I'm confident in my choice to leave my job of two years, even though it was heartbreaking and I HATE CHANGE. It will take me a while to adjust but so far I'm really enjoying the place I've moved too, and the work that I do. The days go by fast and I'm learning on quickly of the job task ahead of me.
I'm still in Verona (currently anyways) for my new job and it still feels strange not driving to the old place of work, I'm currently in the surreal part of change, where it doesn't feel like its really happening and its just a strange moment in time. I hope in a few weeks that I'll fully adjust and get into the routine of the new life that I have took in.
On greater news, baby number 2 is on the way! In 3 weeks Erik will find out the gender. Its been a fast pregnancy. I do have Jack to thank for that as he keeps me busy. I'm beyond excited to have another baby, and Jack to have a sibling. Someone to grow up with and create a bond and memories with. One of my biggest fears was that he would be the only child and how lonely that life could be and it broke my heart. I'm so happy that he will have sibling in January. I will admit, that my head has been playing games. The worry of adjusting to two kids is a bit of an overwhelming thought to process. I keep worrying that I'll love one more than the other, or I won't give one as enough attention as the other. I worry sick about it day and nice. I've been promised it's a normal fear and that my heart will grow. I know it will, and I know that making enough time for both will just come naturally but its still a fear. I just want them both to have such amazing loved lives that its consumes me.
There's a whole new world coming to me in pieces,its exciting and scary but I'm still standing tall and confident that I can handle anything thrown at me. As long as I have my amazing family and my wonderful friends as support all the new changes that I think will throw me off will only be the mountain I climb.
So, make a change. Even if its scary. Trust me, I hate change. But its good for the soul,it allows you to see just how brave and strong you can be.
No poem tonight as I just finished my first work at the new job and I'm fried.
But love to you all, and may the odds forever be in your favor.
Live Freely,
Jenny
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