Into the new

 It finally happened. A major life goal. We bought a house. It has been something we (the husband and I) have dreamed about for so long. In reality, I remember being in high school looking around my small town with my friend Kallie wondering what my future home would look like. What house would I live in? The excitement of having something of your own was even a dream back then. 




We did it! It is a beautiful old house that we are putting lots of love into. Lots of changes but keeping the character that old houses provide. I'm happy to never worry about having to find rent or having to please landlords. Having something to pass down to our children is so important to me. It takes me such a long and hard time to adjust to change. I have always been this way and something I'm very aware of. I'm doing my best and keeping my mind open to the many changes that life has thrown at me all at once. I feel overwhelmed and worried and just over the top with each and everything aspect of life-changing that I feel I'm spinning down a rabbit hole. I have so much to be thankful for and proud of. We did it. 

Now to the next 100 chapters of life. 

Perspection

 We don't feel the change as it sneaks it

it all feels like the same old clock ticking. 

One morning we see with new eyes

Suddenly we don't recognize

Where we are. 

Then we fight, all the demons singing 

in our ears that we won't make it out

Its hard to keep your head above water

When you're always feeling like your drowning.

There's something telling me to hold on as hard as you can

Don't look down, don't let go.

you're more capable then you know. 

Change is hard even when you do your best to try. 

but you need change to change to that butterfly

sometimes the darkness will lead us to what we were always trying to find. 

Isn't that all we need? Just a little time, just a little time.

Time. This magic antidote that will cure all the disease.

The blackness inching its way to devour me. 

Then time stopped. 

I knew that there wasn't any other way.

I needed to fight. Fight for my life. 

No more shielding my eyes, I'm ready to see

what is out there for me

It may be a little messy. I'll be bent and bruised.
I refused to be not fight for my life. 

I heard the universe whisper through the noise

to get up stand up

keep moving. 

the mountains weren't made over night. 

I'll be alright, I'll be alright, we're alright. 

As directed

 Have you ever thought of what comes next?
When the night and day exchange 
And the quiet lays outside your bed.
Do you even sit and wonder why?
Everything moves so fast
And you're stuck going down a two way slide.
Still, feet stuck in the mud.
Every one is laughing and having a good
time.

Wait in line, give me a number to watch.
I've been in the faded line of gravity.
Floating around until its the right time
When is it ever the right time?
Waiting and waiting, I have no idea what for
But I know just know that's something I needed before
I realized I was lost.

The studder shakes my head, rattles my intention
to do better be better than I've wanted to be.
I'm bitterly tired, and the pictures in my head
continue to haunt me and make my mouth tell stories
That aren't my own. 
It;s not where I want to be, 
It's not who I want to be.

In the meadow of goldenrod

 Happiness is the wealth of the poor.
Hanging tight in the simple warmth of sun
The spill through the thin glass of the window.
The smile of the clouds stretching glory
Over the cotton candy morning sky. 
I can feel the change of the decade swim by. 

Fingers trace against the bark of a tree
Rough and cool, its ancient roots string a web
Ancestry lines drum through its trunk, singing of better days.
Let this be a muse in adventure.
Even standing still, you can stretch high.
Stealing pieces of the sky.

Roads are only man made to derail the dreamer
Exploring the dusty path in a foggy night dream
Discovering the secrets that are hardly seen
And only at times do I still feel like a lost child.
Hang tight around a blanket, looking for safety.
When are we allowed to feel human, and not post.
Kick off your shoes and stay awhile.

It's always less complicated, than you're giving it credit for.
The mind blocks are illusions that a society has fed you for too long. 
Hungry for blame, hungry for direction, You forget to dust off your fire.
Burning beneath the mask, is a spirit raw and wild. 
Holding the hand of that small child.
You still see in your reflection. 

Paint me my soul with goldenrod and wind.
Sing to me in the tune of sweet grass kissing the twilight of sky.
Let me lay in the meadow of solitude. Where I am to be nothing but a stem of a flower.
As I lay in the clarity of the moth bitten member of society
I pray to rejoin the simplicity of the dirt and gravity.

Lectured by the murder of crows that hang above.
Cackling at the worry, that should no longer linger.
Its only life, why must you follow it along with such serious chaos.
In the end of a night, we all lay our heads, 
In the end of a life, we all close our eyes.
Wake up in the drifting shadow of energy
Floating beneath the atmosphere of wonder.
I will follow my desire to wander.

Fingers trace against the bark of a tree
Rough and cool, its ancient roots string a web
Ancestry lines drum through its trunk, singing of better days.
Let this be a muse in adventure.
Even standing still, you can stretch high.
Stealing pieces of the sky.

For the visionaries.

 Greetings from small town USA

It's another Wednesday in February. The year new but the circumstances stale. It seems the progression of life is a weary one. It's all an illusion that tricks up with its mirrors and tempted chaos.

Sometimes, I only feel lost in the middle of an afternoon
Where the sun settles in the same place, only to fall
Behind the shadow on the trees over the hill. 
It's only when the wind dies down,
can I really hear all the memories play around
When the days swift by, and the time feels like a blink
I lose my footing in the sand I feel it all sink
Catching up to me, losing my breath
Holding on tightly to what I have left.

I may not have said much, but I listen
Roughing our hands and minds over the fighting.
In the end is this the chapter that we skip?
Pages stuck together, I've seen this all before
Pulling the trigger from the weapon on your lips. 
It's all been done before. 

I know I can be great, I've seen in in the mirror
I can be graceful on the other side of the faded lines"
I can create peace if the monsters could disappear.
Choking and clawing behind every smile.
Linger in the sadness this could be a while..

Only sometimes do I dare to dream in the moon light
develop a plan to follow
and then, I create the bumps in the path
I'm the very destruction I preach about overcoming
I'm discreetly smitten with my own dismay
come what will and come what may. 

Sleep Walking

 Mid way through the second month of the year and I feel more positive about what could be than  last year. Even before the pandemic started. Somedays it is still hard to believe that this is the world. This is the way we are living. I never imagined that we would be in a lock down or required to wear masks. When deep in history you hear about these type of things. You see the old faded grainy black and white photos but never could you really get the sense of how serious their lives could of been. Feel the fear that lived in the people in that picture in years and years ago. The Spanish flu- you see people wearing masks but it didn't quite register how it would be, what they had to change to survive. Did life ever go back to normal? Of it the normal we all knew the reflection of change from then? 

My children are young (4,2) will this be their normal? Will we ever be able to feel safe. I know that we will need to keep doing what they ask of us to help direct life back to some type of way of safe or feeling safer. I think about it often and how I long for it to all be over but I can't continue to waste time wishing. It will do me only harm as I sit and dwell in the pity.
I must take this time and see all of the good that I can do, what I am able to accomplish. Being flexible with my goals and within myself to acknowledge the change and do what I can with. Appreciate what this pandemic can give to me. There is opportunity in every circumstance and I honestly feel it is all about perspective. Even though I fall victim inside my own head most of the time. I hope that I can prove myself against this pandemic and still allow myself to create a positive change and accomplish something. Not allowing the influences of the world try to hold me back. I know that there are things that need to remain at bay and different on hold. I have a good feeling swimming inside of me. I wish I could catch it so I could understand it better.  To know what path I'm really suppose to take instead of the guessing and the anxiety of trying to create this.

A positive mind can make all the different in how we react, how we work through challenges and to the goals. A positive mind can give you what you need to be successful. To give the extra boost in your drive to make it happen. To make it clearer on what needs to be done. Negativity only will hold you back from full potential. 

2021, I'm coming for ya.

The fire.

 It can be exhausting, to be the one to smile 

all the time.

It can be breaking, to be the one that tries to save everyone

but myself.

Oh, the world is caving in, crumbling beneath us all. 

what to do.

Keeping it together in the fire of chaos, washing away hope

what do we do now

Carry the weight just for a little a while, its dust covered

by the years.

I've hung around for a while now, to try to see through the dirt

people of all colors ages and sizes crying stained by the hurt

where we all preach of better world but whose doing the part

to create a balance of dynamic where we can live in harmony

rather than in petty angry blinding us that we're enemies

believe in what you will but act in kindness

be a devil in your mind but stop contributing to this madness.

I never use to be afraid, to leave my front step

but people are killing each other.

I use to pray for the future, where would I go

now I wonder if there's tomorrow

The fire we started is growing out of hand

its out of reach and at our children's stand

We must do better

We need to better.

we can do better. 

2020

The rustle of the trees can sound like the waves

of a tropical beach too far away. 

The sky can turn turquoise after a storm
a slit through the hungry heat after chaos is born

The world may keep moving, unseen and unread

When I'm standing here with angels crying in my head

Its too much to experience, its too hard to accept

That we're all going to hell in a basket instead.

We find reasons to hate, when love is the better answer

with a little kindness we can fix this much faster

We rage we fire we destroy, all that we have created

screaming its for the cause but the lines are much faded

The sting in my eyes I can't see through it all. 

Lessons need to be learned we need to rise not fall

Our country was built on hopes and dreams

Now back to race wars and innocent people screams

There's a bigger picture but no one wants to uncover

Their morals and dignity so our communities must suffer.

Smoke in the sky stretching cities long
Trendy people forget what's right and whats wrong. 

My life matters and so does yours. we must drop the labels

and live as people. we're all people.

fight hate with love, and we can get much farther

fight blindly with destruction and hell will feel closer.

This is more than  a chapter in history books

we must be an example we have generations that will look

at our behaviors and stem from that role

we must be more than a character, we need to be so much more.