Its unfair how hard we love.
To people we give it all.
Then one day...in one moment.
It's torn all away.
What is there to say?
When you've got a shattered heart and numb soul.
All I want is for you to come back home.
I trace back the our last words spoken.
I try hold on to every piece but everything's broken.
My skin feels too thick, suffocating the screams I have inside.
My chest heavy and tight a hollow breathe barely escapes.
It doesn't feel like the darkness will ever fade.
Where can I bury my head
To rot with the roses my thoughts go instead.
Did you remember how loved you are.
Did you think of what there is after
I'd do anything to hold your hand one last time
before life robbed you from mine.
Our time together seem so small
to the hands of time it barely existed at all.
Come back..come back
there's so much to do so much to see.
I feel like I'm living in a different life
This isn't real, this isn't my truth
There's no way I'd be in a world without you.
I miss you so much, my throat is closing from all the tears.
How am I going to live without you after these years
I'm working through this in the only way I know how.
I love you Grandpa.....Until we meet again, I promise to be the best possible version of myself.
Ronal Ray Blask June 9, 1939- December 10, 2019
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
Friday, October 18, 2019
Circle of life.
Even though, I just sit and tell myself to let it go. There's things in life that I can't change. It's completely out of my hands. I sit and make endless wishes trying to bargain with life, with father time. It doesn't work that way. I know this, I've always known this. Yet, here I try.
A lot has changed in my life just in this year alone. I know one of the biggest life changing moments of my life will be happening soon. I'm not prepared. Who ever is right? We can sit and just to imagine how we will react, how we will feel...even how we heal. But, even if we think that we have it covered, and we've let it all sink in. It will still hit you like a punch in the gut. I'm easily triggered out of no where, things non related. Suddenly, I can't breathe.
There is so much more to do. So much more to see, to learn. All the things I know I should of made a visit. Why, do we allow life being full and busy as an excuse. It should never be a reason we don't allow ourselves to live, to allow ourselves a few hours to see an old face. To allow love to win. Family, life should always come first.
You're tired? good. Get up and make the time. Find a way.
You're still here. I'm planning to see you soon. I'm afraid time will steal you before I can see you. I think I want to avoid it because I know it could be the last time I ever see you.
I'm not ready for a part of my life to be gone.
I'm so naive when it comes to life and how it works. When I think of myself growing old, I imagine everyone I love to always be there. If I'm 100 you're 163. You're always there. Everyone always is.
I'm learning every so harshly, that life is real. These things happen. Whether you think its fair or not. I know I'm being selfish, wishing that you'd stay. Even though your life isn't the one you love anymore, and your in pain.93 of life.
You've seen the world change so much. You've experienced so much. I hope...that with your life you are happy. That you lived in the way you wanted. I hope you still get to take all the enjoyment you have left. I hate that I have to word it like that. It's almost cruel this part of life. I wish that I could freeze time, or go back. There's so much I want to say, too much to do. Too much that I want to relive and re see.
I already have too many questions. There's too many things I don't understand about this. Is it out of fear, Out of the heartache? One of the worse feelings in the world, is missing someone. How do you go on missing someone forever. This is the way it was meant to go. It doesn't mean I have to understand why. Acceptance. What is acceptance. Just letting things happen knowing it will....just allowing it to be a memory on the brain.
I'm fuzzy feeling. Everything is out of sort. I feel I'm watching this life from the outside. I haven't been able to shake my thoughts since the news yesterday. Even thought I'm great at pretending to be tough. I'm not as big of a rock as I pretend to me. I have cried over this for a while. When you first got sick. But I know that I need to be strong. I need to have it together. I feel, I was able to maintain so strong because it felt so far away. It felt like something we always talked about but never followed through. "Let's hang out sometime soon." "Yeah, of course. We'll chat soon and think of something."....and it never gets scheduled. It was never really suppose to end.
Seeing, my mother trying to stay strong for all of us. I think that's one of the hardest things. I know her heart is breaking. I know she wants nothing more than to scream and cry. She has so much on her shoulders trying to take care of everyone. Trying to make sure everything is as smooth as it can be. She is tired, she is sick to her stomach with dread. As I try to put myself in her shoes. I'm not sure if I could be as strong as she can. Just the thoughts makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I could take the sadness from her, take the hurt. Once again.... life doesn't work that way.
There has to be a reason for all of this. Right? All of the pain and hurt that we feel in our lives. There as to be a reason to why, otherwise what is the lesson. What does it teach us in the bigger picture? How many times do we need to learn a lesson? How many times do we need to fall apart to truly understand getting up. To walk, to fly. WHAT does it all mean, and why.
I want to believe....more than anything....that there is a place. Heaven? meh I don't know. Maybe this place doesn't have a name. It doesn't have any more pain or limitations. You will be able to soar, and be exactly who you are and what you are, and live freely for the first time, and best yet be with those that you love. I want....I need to know that place is there. That we all get reunited at the end. To just disappear from this world, to have our light go out. Its too much of an awful shame. Goodbyes should never be forever.
A lot has changed in my life just in this year alone. I know one of the biggest life changing moments of my life will be happening soon. I'm not prepared. Who ever is right? We can sit and just to imagine how we will react, how we will feel...even how we heal. But, even if we think that we have it covered, and we've let it all sink in. It will still hit you like a punch in the gut. I'm easily triggered out of no where, things non related. Suddenly, I can't breathe.
There is so much more to do. So much more to see, to learn. All the things I know I should of made a visit. Why, do we allow life being full and busy as an excuse. It should never be a reason we don't allow ourselves to live, to allow ourselves a few hours to see an old face. To allow love to win. Family, life should always come first.
You're tired? good. Get up and make the time. Find a way.
You're still here. I'm planning to see you soon. I'm afraid time will steal you before I can see you. I think I want to avoid it because I know it could be the last time I ever see you.
I'm not ready for a part of my life to be gone.
I'm so naive when it comes to life and how it works. When I think of myself growing old, I imagine everyone I love to always be there. If I'm 100 you're 163. You're always there. Everyone always is.
I'm learning every so harshly, that life is real. These things happen. Whether you think its fair or not. I know I'm being selfish, wishing that you'd stay. Even though your life isn't the one you love anymore, and your in pain.93 of life.
You've seen the world change so much. You've experienced so much. I hope...that with your life you are happy. That you lived in the way you wanted. I hope you still get to take all the enjoyment you have left. I hate that I have to word it like that. It's almost cruel this part of life. I wish that I could freeze time, or go back. There's so much I want to say, too much to do. Too much that I want to relive and re see.
I already have too many questions. There's too many things I don't understand about this. Is it out of fear, Out of the heartache? One of the worse feelings in the world, is missing someone. How do you go on missing someone forever. This is the way it was meant to go. It doesn't mean I have to understand why. Acceptance. What is acceptance. Just letting things happen knowing it will....just allowing it to be a memory on the brain.
I'm fuzzy feeling. Everything is out of sort. I feel I'm watching this life from the outside. I haven't been able to shake my thoughts since the news yesterday. Even thought I'm great at pretending to be tough. I'm not as big of a rock as I pretend to me. I have cried over this for a while. When you first got sick. But I know that I need to be strong. I need to have it together. I feel, I was able to maintain so strong because it felt so far away. It felt like something we always talked about but never followed through. "Let's hang out sometime soon." "Yeah, of course. We'll chat soon and think of something."....and it never gets scheduled. It was never really suppose to end.
Seeing, my mother trying to stay strong for all of us. I think that's one of the hardest things. I know her heart is breaking. I know she wants nothing more than to scream and cry. She has so much on her shoulders trying to take care of everyone. Trying to make sure everything is as smooth as it can be. She is tired, she is sick to her stomach with dread. As I try to put myself in her shoes. I'm not sure if I could be as strong as she can. Just the thoughts makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I could take the sadness from her, take the hurt. Once again.... life doesn't work that way.
There has to be a reason for all of this. Right? All of the pain and hurt that we feel in our lives. There as to be a reason to why, otherwise what is the lesson. What does it teach us in the bigger picture? How many times do we need to learn a lesson? How many times do we need to fall apart to truly understand getting up. To walk, to fly. WHAT does it all mean, and why.
I want to believe....more than anything....that there is a place. Heaven? meh I don't know. Maybe this place doesn't have a name. It doesn't have any more pain or limitations. You will be able to soar, and be exactly who you are and what you are, and live freely for the first time, and best yet be with those that you love. I want....I need to know that place is there. That we all get reunited at the end. To just disappear from this world, to have our light go out. Its too much of an awful shame. Goodbyes should never be forever.
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Real Peach
It's been quite a year, granted there's still so much time left in it. When you think about it, a year really is no time at all.
12 little months and a year has passed. Sometimes I feel we give a year too much pressure to be different, to be extraordinary. So much to push in this year that we focus too much ho what we've accomplished rather on what we already have.
You have love, even if its not the kind you may be searching for, or wishing for, you have love. Instead of chasing faces and hearts that don't connect, love the hearts that already have you filled within them.
You are successful. Look at how far you've already come rather on how far you still have to go.
We forget about all the hard work and efforts it has taken to just be here right now in this moment. Look at what I've done, you've done. Did you decide to do something different this year, just made one change? Good for you its a start and its something to celebrate.
This year so much as change that I feel that I'm living a completely different and in many aspects I am. I'm grateful for it all. I know there are so many goals I still have playing in the back of my head that also haunt me to focus on. I always feel I'm running of out time.
An anxiety I've had my entire life. The phobia of time has stained my head since I could remember honestly. I'm working on accepting it. I can break down and cry out of now where at the thought of wasting a single moment. My children growing up is the hardest existence of time that mocks me. I'm truly working on being in the moment rather of thinking of the moments that I NEED to cherish in the future. What I need to do what I haven't done.
Look at what I already have, what I've already worked for. Time is here so enjoy it and miss it later. My heart sometimes is so heavy, but oh so full with love.
12 little months and a year has passed. Sometimes I feel we give a year too much pressure to be different, to be extraordinary. So much to push in this year that we focus too much ho what we've accomplished rather on what we already have.
You have love, even if its not the kind you may be searching for, or wishing for, you have love. Instead of chasing faces and hearts that don't connect, love the hearts that already have you filled within them.
You are successful. Look at how far you've already come rather on how far you still have to go.
We forget about all the hard work and efforts it has taken to just be here right now in this moment. Look at what I've done, you've done. Did you decide to do something different this year, just made one change? Good for you its a start and its something to celebrate.
This year so much as change that I feel that I'm living a completely different and in many aspects I am. I'm grateful for it all. I know there are so many goals I still have playing in the back of my head that also haunt me to focus on. I always feel I'm running of out time.
An anxiety I've had my entire life. The phobia of time has stained my head since I could remember honestly. I'm working on accepting it. I can break down and cry out of now where at the thought of wasting a single moment. My children growing up is the hardest existence of time that mocks me. I'm truly working on being in the moment rather of thinking of the moments that I NEED to cherish in the future. What I need to do what I haven't done.
Look at what I already have, what I've already worked for. Time is here so enjoy it and miss it later. My heart sometimes is so heavy, but oh so full with love.
Monday, July 22, 2019
Monday Monday...ba da ba dada
That's right, It's Monday night. I'm bone tired, and have my second class for the night in about 10 minutes. It's almost 10:30. 30 more minutes until I can crawl into bed.
Up at 5am to get ready for my shift at Duluth, 30 minute drive there, 8.5 hours on these feet, 30 minute drive home. Which was just terrible because here in Wisconsin its construction season. CONES FOR DAYS! and People driving like coked out assholes because let's be honest, everyone is sick of the construction and most of us are coming home from work. WE JUST WANNA GO HOME!
Came home, cooked supper, ate supper, cleaned kitchen, sat outside (for not nearly long enough) on the deck with my family, because its a beautiful evening/night. The air is cool and you can actually breath outside. Quite the change for the weather that has been lately.
First class at 8:30 went well and now this one. I really enjoy working with VIPkid, its rewarding and the kids are great. I really feel this is something that I can truly be successful at. Best part its from home, so no travel expenses, I can crawl out of bed, and be with my kids, Which is by far the most important aspect of my life. They're growing up too fast and I simply do no want to miss a single moment of it. VIPkid is seriously the greatest thing and I hope to eventually make it my only job. A long ways away but at least I enjoy working at Duluth while I wait for that. Right now the extra income is GREAT and we can pay off things FASTER, and SAVE money....what in the world is that right? and best of all I can start saving for Christmas too. This has opened so much for me and I'm sooo grateful to be able to even have one class a week let alone the 2 a night I've been having lately. Whatever I did to deserve all these blessings in my life, especially in the last 2 years, hell just this year alone. I'm thankful for it and I'm so so so so appreciative of it all.
The air is blowing through the patio door and it feels so nice and cool. It really sets a nice calming setting for my environment. Although I'm feeling even more tired since I'm so calm. I can feel a early fall in the air. I can almost bet on it. The air just holds this fall aroma to it. I'd be okay with that. I'm feeling crisp fall leaves falling and the sweet decorative pumpkins fill the stoops of the street.
The rainy days with the windows cracked open letting in the crisp cool air. Nice warm stu filling our stomachs. It's perfection if you ask me. This summer has been a hot one and I'm too thick for this business.
My kneecaps should not sweat. How is that even possible? Guess what it sure is, because last week I had the sweaty knee caps.
Class is about to start, I'll catch you on the next late night
live freely
Up at 5am to get ready for my shift at Duluth, 30 minute drive there, 8.5 hours on these feet, 30 minute drive home. Which was just terrible because here in Wisconsin its construction season. CONES FOR DAYS! and People driving like coked out assholes because let's be honest, everyone is sick of the construction and most of us are coming home from work. WE JUST WANNA GO HOME!
Came home, cooked supper, ate supper, cleaned kitchen, sat outside (for not nearly long enough) on the deck with my family, because its a beautiful evening/night. The air is cool and you can actually breath outside. Quite the change for the weather that has been lately.
First class at 8:30 went well and now this one. I really enjoy working with VIPkid, its rewarding and the kids are great. I really feel this is something that I can truly be successful at. Best part its from home, so no travel expenses, I can crawl out of bed, and be with my kids, Which is by far the most important aspect of my life. They're growing up too fast and I simply do no want to miss a single moment of it. VIPkid is seriously the greatest thing and I hope to eventually make it my only job. A long ways away but at least I enjoy working at Duluth while I wait for that. Right now the extra income is GREAT and we can pay off things FASTER, and SAVE money....what in the world is that right? and best of all I can start saving for Christmas too. This has opened so much for me and I'm sooo grateful to be able to even have one class a week let alone the 2 a night I've been having lately. Whatever I did to deserve all these blessings in my life, especially in the last 2 years, hell just this year alone. I'm thankful for it and I'm so so so so appreciative of it all.
The air is blowing through the patio door and it feels so nice and cool. It really sets a nice calming setting for my environment. Although I'm feeling even more tired since I'm so calm. I can feel a early fall in the air. I can almost bet on it. The air just holds this fall aroma to it. I'd be okay with that. I'm feeling crisp fall leaves falling and the sweet decorative pumpkins fill the stoops of the street.
The rainy days with the windows cracked open letting in the crisp cool air. Nice warm stu filling our stomachs. It's perfection if you ask me. This summer has been a hot one and I'm too thick for this business.
My kneecaps should not sweat. How is that even possible? Guess what it sure is, because last week I had the sweaty knee caps.
Class is about to start, I'll catch you on the next late night
live freely
Friday, July 19, 2019
Peace in the city
It's been some time since I had a moment to just sit and allow my mind to spill in the sounds of clicking of the keyboard.
It's quite refreshing. The sounds of the clicks and the soft music playing in the background. It allows for this frenzy of inspiration to rush through my veins like this shock. The fire in my soul being fed the fuel needed to blaze.
It's July 2019. When did that happen right? Wasn't it just July 2007 and I was this scared young 18 year old who was afraid of having to drive in the big old city for college in the matter of weeks. Man, its funny how things that use to terrify us seem so little as we grow up and face things that actually can be terrifying. Now, that I'm a mother...EVERYTHING scares me. Failing my children, losing the ones I love, the world that my children have to try to survive in.
It's even more terrifying, when you have absolutely no control over it. I sit here and wait for the next class I have to teach, oh yeah, I'm teaching now. I'm just rushed with this gratitude for the life I leave, and for myself. You know what, I did a lot this year. I'm proud of myself and I'm no where near to stopping. I'm just getting started.
In the wee bit days of 2019 I had a baby, oh yeah. We brought into this crazy ride of life our second child. Sweet sweet Violet Jaymes at 10 pounds and 6 oz.
Go big or go home, amIright?
I decided to leave a job for one that I thought I liked. I hated it. So I was brave enough to go back. At least I tried something new.
I rode a moped! Something that I'd give a thousand reasons to not try, and I did. I love it and the freedom it gives me when I'm feeling stressed.
I tried a new side job that could one day lead to something greater. It gives me such a depth of reward and I'm finally using the degree I worked 4 very hard years for. Look Ma I made it. I never would of done it, but I decided that since turning 30( oh yeah, I'm in a whole new decade.) It's time to STOP holding myself back
I signed a contact with VIPkid teaching ESL (English as a second language) to kids in China. I LOVE IT! and I honestly feel teaching is something that I was always meant to do. The pay IS GREAT! I honestly feel it will help out my family so much and do so many great things for us and push us farther ahead of the plan and goals we have set for ourselves. Go us.
WE MOVED! into a house from the crappy apartment area we lived in. Of course we met some GREAT people who we still talk to. Then we also met some people who we're pretty glad to never see again. *YOU ALL KNOW WHO haha* Moving on.
Life has been fierce. And with the good I know the bad comes. Its just something you got to roll with. It's the balance of life.
Jack is doing great with his speech and I'm soooo proud of the progress he has made ON HIS OWN mind you. He's such an amazing little boy who fills my heart with so much love that I feel that I will honestly explode from my skin and float in the world because I simply cannot handle ALL the love I have for him and his sweet little sister. If anything in my life they are the greatest things to have ever happen to me. and for that I'll always consider my life to be nothing more than one amazing blessing.
I guess I'm tired now and have another class to prepare for in 2 hours. Thanks for reading and I hope life is treating you all well.
It's quite refreshing. The sounds of the clicks and the soft music playing in the background. It allows for this frenzy of inspiration to rush through my veins like this shock. The fire in my soul being fed the fuel needed to blaze.
It's July 2019. When did that happen right? Wasn't it just July 2007 and I was this scared young 18 year old who was afraid of having to drive in the big old city for college in the matter of weeks. Man, its funny how things that use to terrify us seem so little as we grow up and face things that actually can be terrifying. Now, that I'm a mother...EVERYTHING scares me. Failing my children, losing the ones I love, the world that my children have to try to survive in.
It's even more terrifying, when you have absolutely no control over it. I sit here and wait for the next class I have to teach, oh yeah, I'm teaching now. I'm just rushed with this gratitude for the life I leave, and for myself. You know what, I did a lot this year. I'm proud of myself and I'm no where near to stopping. I'm just getting started.
In the wee bit days of 2019 I had a baby, oh yeah. We brought into this crazy ride of life our second child. Sweet sweet Violet Jaymes at 10 pounds and 6 oz.
Go big or go home, amIright?
I decided to leave a job for one that I thought I liked. I hated it. So I was brave enough to go back. At least I tried something new.
I rode a moped! Something that I'd give a thousand reasons to not try, and I did. I love it and the freedom it gives me when I'm feeling stressed.
I tried a new side job that could one day lead to something greater. It gives me such a depth of reward and I'm finally using the degree I worked 4 very hard years for. Look Ma I made it. I never would of done it, but I decided that since turning 30( oh yeah, I'm in a whole new decade.) It's time to STOP holding myself back
I signed a contact with VIPkid teaching ESL (English as a second language) to kids in China. I LOVE IT! and I honestly feel teaching is something that I was always meant to do. The pay IS GREAT! I honestly feel it will help out my family so much and do so many great things for us and push us farther ahead of the plan and goals we have set for ourselves. Go us.
WE MOVED! into a house from the crappy apartment area we lived in. Of course we met some GREAT people who we still talk to. Then we also met some people who we're pretty glad to never see again. *YOU ALL KNOW WHO haha* Moving on.
Life has been fierce. And with the good I know the bad comes. Its just something you got to roll with. It's the balance of life.
Jack is doing great with his speech and I'm soooo proud of the progress he has made ON HIS OWN mind you. He's such an amazing little boy who fills my heart with so much love that I feel that I will honestly explode from my skin and float in the world because I simply cannot handle ALL the love I have for him and his sweet little sister. If anything in my life they are the greatest things to have ever happen to me. and for that I'll always consider my life to be nothing more than one amazing blessing.
I guess I'm tired now and have another class to prepare for in 2 hours. Thanks for reading and I hope life is treating you all well.
Sunday, January 20, 2019
A new adventure and a journey to self discovery.
Welcome Welcome 2019!!!! This year will bring new changes, new adventures and big stages in my life.
For one scary instance, I'll be turning 30 this year! I can't even believe that I'll be 30. It doesn't even seem possible. I still feel like that 17 year old girl, sitting in my bedroom listening to music and wondering what life would be like in 5 years...10 years. Little did I know how fast the years would go. How fast the next 5,10 years will go. It all seems so unfair how fast it goes and how busy our lives get that we sometimes forget to live our lives or just stop to simply appreciate something as simple as a sunset.
It's hard, I totally get it. We all have so much to do, so much that needs to get done. Speaking of which I have SO many things I need to do. I promised myself I wouldn't get behind once I came home from the hospital, yet I have accomplished nothing other than some chores and the most important thing FAMILY time. I still need to order a birth certificate, pay bills, etc etc etc. I hate feeling out of routine and out of whack. But life doesn't always stay on the tracks and sometimes you veer off. Things change and new routine somehow settle in. I hope 30 I can stay focused on the little things and the loves of my life. I hope I learn to appreciate more and be more fearless. Love myself and who I am in general. It's 10:06 on a Sunday night and I'm on my third cup of coffee just so I can get some writing done. I have one more week with my husband off work and I plan to not sweat the small stuff and just enjoy the next 7 days we're all home together. Especially since it seems we'll be snowed in for the next 2 months with all this snow coming our way. (where was it during Christmas?) Life will happen, but how I handle it is my choice and the character I want to be.
I'm starting to realize that maybe we should start acting like the people we want the world to be filled with. I want kindness and compassion and love. Instead of wishing and preaching people to be those things, I need to be the example, and teach my children to be the same. To be taught is to experience.
Our family welcomed a new tribe member! Erik, Jack and myself were joined by a beautiful baby girl Violet Jaymes on January 7, 2019. 10 pounds and 6 oz, 20.25 inches long. Having a newborn in the house is exhausting, especially when chasing a newly turned 2 year old. Chaos has made itself well know in the Wineke Household. But I welcome it and challenge it. Thankfully I have Erik here to help me. We are learning this two kid thing together. I'm so thankful that I have two beautiful children who take up so much of my heart. I don't think there could be anymore room in my heart for anything else. How did I get so lucky!
Being a mother is physically and mentally exhausting, but worth every single moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm human and I lose my shit a million times a day. But give me a cup of coffee and 5 minutes of peace and quiet and I can come back at it with a 130%. Then I think of the world and how cruel it can be. My heart breaks at the thought of my kids suffering in the slightest. Wondering if somehow I have some kind of terrible karma out there floating for me and the karma will be affecting my children for my choices. They are so innocent and pure and so full of love and kindness and just everything beautiful and wonderful in the world and I just want so many great moments and experiences for my children that I feel overwhelmed with the desire to be so protective. Does this get easier? Letting go to allow them to feel every depth of the world? The ugly and the beautiful. I know life is a journey and with adventure you must endure bumpy trails to appreciate when the path is smooth and clear. To enjoy bits of heaven we must go through a little hell. My family means everything to me and I'm so thankful so very very thankful for my parents, my siblings, my husband, and mostly my two beautiful children. I never dreamed that one day I'd be a mother, let alone to two sweet darlings!
Something that doesn't get discussed often with the miracle of bringing a human into the world, is something that I know I have been hit with. When one gets pregnant we focus on the glow and the excitement of a sweet babe joining the world, the wonder of what a women's body is capable of doing and creating. It's all so amazing! The power and pain the body can endure to bring a child into the world, naturally or c section. The recovery a mother endures but suffers in bliss by the new love. There is a whirlwind that affects a new mother, no matter how many babies she has brought into the world. Postpartum affects so many wonderful mothers. The baby blues is something that I felt creeping in while I was still in the hospital. Instead of being embarrassed that I was feeling down when I have so many amazing reasons to be the happiest lady in the universe, I reached out to my very supportive and understanding husband, who helped me reach out to my doctor. I'n doing what I need to, to be on the mend and not only allowing my body to recovery but myself mentally and emotionally. My body endured so much during the pregnancy, the the delivery, and the aftermath. There's so many changes to my body and to my home life, that it makes sense for one to become overwhelmed even with so many blessings and beautiful things. I'm glad that I'm able to be more open with it. For the most part I feel its dark claws slipping away and I feel myself truly mending purely, but sometimes I can still feel it creeping and its okay to allow myself to feel those waves of emotions. I'm thankful that I can accept myself and the rollercoaster that my mind is on and I'm thankful for my loving husband who deals with the waves and the lash outs with such humble love and understanding. I just pray that everyone has the support that I have.
During this new transition, I've had my amazing friends, amazing family, and of course Erik be so helpful so I can heal my body. And this time I feel great. Nothing like the terrible experience with Jack. There's no pain, my body feels like mine again. I've lost 40 pounds already. My body is better than it was when I became pregnant. I feel I'm truly on the right path to be a great example for my children. I'm going to continue to love my body and to treat it right. I'm going to continue on loving myself and learning more about the person that I am, and being more accepting of who I am and what is my life. I'm truly on a beautiful adventure and I can't wait to see what will happen next.
New year new me and all the jazz, but I feel these are promises I've been making to myself for so many years that its just time for me to continue on this journey, even a small step at a time.
Its time to let love in, and let love out.
Happy new year everyone. Good luck this year, and I hope something wonderful happens to you all.
For one scary instance, I'll be turning 30 this year! I can't even believe that I'll be 30. It doesn't even seem possible. I still feel like that 17 year old girl, sitting in my bedroom listening to music and wondering what life would be like in 5 years...10 years. Little did I know how fast the years would go. How fast the next 5,10 years will go. It all seems so unfair how fast it goes and how busy our lives get that we sometimes forget to live our lives or just stop to simply appreciate something as simple as a sunset.
It's hard, I totally get it. We all have so much to do, so much that needs to get done. Speaking of which I have SO many things I need to do. I promised myself I wouldn't get behind once I came home from the hospital, yet I have accomplished nothing other than some chores and the most important thing FAMILY time. I still need to order a birth certificate, pay bills, etc etc etc. I hate feeling out of routine and out of whack. But life doesn't always stay on the tracks and sometimes you veer off. Things change and new routine somehow settle in. I hope 30 I can stay focused on the little things and the loves of my life. I hope I learn to appreciate more and be more fearless. Love myself and who I am in general. It's 10:06 on a Sunday night and I'm on my third cup of coffee just so I can get some writing done. I have one more week with my husband off work and I plan to not sweat the small stuff and just enjoy the next 7 days we're all home together. Especially since it seems we'll be snowed in for the next 2 months with all this snow coming our way. (where was it during Christmas?) Life will happen, but how I handle it is my choice and the character I want to be.
I'm starting to realize that maybe we should start acting like the people we want the world to be filled with. I want kindness and compassion and love. Instead of wishing and preaching people to be those things, I need to be the example, and teach my children to be the same. To be taught is to experience.
Our family welcomed a new tribe member! Erik, Jack and myself were joined by a beautiful baby girl Violet Jaymes on January 7, 2019. 10 pounds and 6 oz, 20.25 inches long. Having a newborn in the house is exhausting, especially when chasing a newly turned 2 year old. Chaos has made itself well know in the Wineke Household. But I welcome it and challenge it. Thankfully I have Erik here to help me. We are learning this two kid thing together. I'm so thankful that I have two beautiful children who take up so much of my heart. I don't think there could be anymore room in my heart for anything else. How did I get so lucky!
Being a mother is physically and mentally exhausting, but worth every single moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm human and I lose my shit a million times a day. But give me a cup of coffee and 5 minutes of peace and quiet and I can come back at it with a 130%. Then I think of the world and how cruel it can be. My heart breaks at the thought of my kids suffering in the slightest. Wondering if somehow I have some kind of terrible karma out there floating for me and the karma will be affecting my children for my choices. They are so innocent and pure and so full of love and kindness and just everything beautiful and wonderful in the world and I just want so many great moments and experiences for my children that I feel overwhelmed with the desire to be so protective. Does this get easier? Letting go to allow them to feel every depth of the world? The ugly and the beautiful. I know life is a journey and with adventure you must endure bumpy trails to appreciate when the path is smooth and clear. To enjoy bits of heaven we must go through a little hell. My family means everything to me and I'm so thankful so very very thankful for my parents, my siblings, my husband, and mostly my two beautiful children. I never dreamed that one day I'd be a mother, let alone to two sweet darlings!
Something that doesn't get discussed often with the miracle of bringing a human into the world, is something that I know I have been hit with. When one gets pregnant we focus on the glow and the excitement of a sweet babe joining the world, the wonder of what a women's body is capable of doing and creating. It's all so amazing! The power and pain the body can endure to bring a child into the world, naturally or c section. The recovery a mother endures but suffers in bliss by the new love. There is a whirlwind that affects a new mother, no matter how many babies she has brought into the world. Postpartum affects so many wonderful mothers. The baby blues is something that I felt creeping in while I was still in the hospital. Instead of being embarrassed that I was feeling down when I have so many amazing reasons to be the happiest lady in the universe, I reached out to my very supportive and understanding husband, who helped me reach out to my doctor. I'n doing what I need to, to be on the mend and not only allowing my body to recovery but myself mentally and emotionally. My body endured so much during the pregnancy, the the delivery, and the aftermath. There's so many changes to my body and to my home life, that it makes sense for one to become overwhelmed even with so many blessings and beautiful things. I'm glad that I'm able to be more open with it. For the most part I feel its dark claws slipping away and I feel myself truly mending purely, but sometimes I can still feel it creeping and its okay to allow myself to feel those waves of emotions. I'm thankful that I can accept myself and the rollercoaster that my mind is on and I'm thankful for my loving husband who deals with the waves and the lash outs with such humble love and understanding. I just pray that everyone has the support that I have.
During this new transition, I've had my amazing friends, amazing family, and of course Erik be so helpful so I can heal my body. And this time I feel great. Nothing like the terrible experience with Jack. There's no pain, my body feels like mine again. I've lost 40 pounds already. My body is better than it was when I became pregnant. I feel I'm truly on the right path to be a great example for my children. I'm going to continue to love my body and to treat it right. I'm going to continue on loving myself and learning more about the person that I am, and being more accepting of who I am and what is my life. I'm truly on a beautiful adventure and I can't wait to see what will happen next.
New year new me and all the jazz, but I feel these are promises I've been making to myself for so many years that its just time for me to continue on this journey, even a small step at a time.
Its time to let love in, and let love out.
Happy new year everyone. Good luck this year, and I hope something wonderful happens to you all.
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