A tall bare tree.

Isn't strange to just sit and just think. To sit and just see, feel, and hear? There's so much surrounding us. There's just this chaotic train of emotions, and sensations that fill up all this space.

No space is empty. 

I like the way the wind feels on my face. The fresh swept of purity that encircles me. Caressing me in the gentle secret of the mystery of life. 
It's beautiful you know, the wind. 
I appreciate the way the sun shines through the window, through the naked branches of the tree. So much love given in the warmth of its light. 

The world lacks magic, there's no love for what isn't understood. Everyone (including myself. guilty as charged.) tries so hard to not believe in magic by debunking it all. 

What if magic is really out there.
I'm talking the greater magic, not tricks and illusions that give your mind a tease and a chuckle. 

but magic, as in the heat in your soul when its on fire, the life that swirls inside you flying free. 
The tingle on your skin when you feel alive. when you feel free. 

We get so busy looking for the facts and all the reasons to not believe in things extreme that we allow it all to slip by.
 I just don't understand humans. You think I would have a clue being one myself,  but I just don't get it. 
I love love, and I love the love that's everywhere in the world. 

I keep staring out the window at a tree with its long branches. Standing still and tall. I love the crooked bends and all the imperfections of its branches. It's beautiful. I aspire to be a tree. Sounded a bit on the hippie side but that's alright. I to, want to stand tall and proud in my infections. In my beauty enjoying the magic of the world. 

I suppose I've been thinking about life. I'll be 29 years old this year. I don't feel like it. Honestly, I feel like that same 17 year old girl gearing up for turning 18. For adulthood. (are we really adults at 18?) That 17 year old girl who was terrified for not knowing who she was or where she wanted to go. Time as passed, and the years have changed. My life isn't the same as it was at 17 but even with all those year and all the millions of things that have shaped my life to what it is now, I still feel like that scared teenager unsure of how do approach life, how to handle it. It's a mysterious how I got here, the view is beautiful I must say. There's so much I'm thankful for, so much that made me realize just how strong I am. SO much that made me realize that I still have a lot of work ahead of me. 

Its time to step away from the wall, step into the view. Today I'll share this with my social media page. I mean it. (Did I do it?) I've been wanting to do this for a year. What's holding me back? None of you don't worry, its all me. 

That's what I've realized. All the goal and dreams that bounce wild in my heart and mind go tamed because I'm too afraid to do anything about, don't believe in myself enough to do it. I have tons of people in my life that believe in me but none of that will give me the push that I need, it's me. So here I am unveiled. I'm working hard on my second book. (I finished one it was rubbish.) I feel in order to consider myself an aspiring writer I need to allow people in. 
Even if its just reading my thoughts, my poetry. 

Hello

I'll end this with a little diddy.


It was just the other day, 
when the sun spoke in that certain way
That got my skin itching for the fresh air
Get out and chase the sky the sun dared.
There's a song stuck in my bones
Over the world my feet will roam
Moving my body, shaking my feet
Somethings taking over me
There's love in my heart
It doesn't matter where I end, as long as I start
to live a little, laugh a little
sit down and take a breath once in a while
Lessons still left to learn
wisdom is a blessing you need to earn.
Break through the wall break through the chain
Don't just sit there, let's make a change
Know when to let go, know when to hold on
I've been right and I've been wrong
It was just the other day, 
when the sun spoke in the certain way
that got my skin itching for the fresh air
Get out and chase the sky the sun dared. 

Young Blood

Here I sit in my office, enjoying my Monday.  The sun is spilling its light through the window, splashing its warmth on the walls. I too can feel the warmth on my skin. A living glow that gentle touches my flesh. A reminder that there's a world outside these walls. It's alive, and it continues to grow each and every single day.

I think about life a lot. Who doesn't right? But, I feel I spend most of my brain power thinking about life. Worse things to linger of course. I spend so much energy trying to understand the power of life, the meaning of it all. The answers to every little question, and I've come to realize that not every question has an answer. I worry all the time about whether I'm doing life right. Then I take a look at the things that fill my life, that make my life mine. Yeah, I'm doing it right. Bigger dreams and goals to work on next.
I know everyone worries, and things far too deep into the meaning of life, their live, the meaning and purpose of it all. I can lecture myself to let it go, move on but I know myself better and realize this is who I am, this is my brain and this is how it works. Embrace it.

So that's what I'm doing about everything that comes into my little world, my little life. Embrace it. I can't change the world but, I can leave a mark. So can you and you and you. Now to think about what mark will I leave, what mark will you leave?

I have this light inside of me that's burning brighter than it has in so long. I'm alive, and my soul is on fire. I can feel the rush of passion and inspiration speed through my veins. I have a spark that energizes the hope, the need, the dedication to the person that I'm breaking out from the cage. It's beautiful. I'm free from myself and the sense of renewal, the sense of purity that tingles over me its the greatest sense of freedom I've experienced. 

So I ask, when was the last time you felt free?


I'll end with a quick poem I'll write...

How far do you have to go
to be who you are, when will you know?
How close do you need to get to hell?
before you feel heaven, how can you tell?
I've been locked in a daydream
Forgiving myself for not believing
in better days.
It's been a wild ride
but with you by my side
I can travel through the thunder
Make light of the lightening
the storm won't seem to terrifying
when I'm on the side of living.
I've hid behind the curtains for too long 
Dying to dance to the inspiring song
I'm breaking from the shy shadow
Here I am for all to follow. 

Thanks for reading. 

Way past my bedtime but nothing interesting to read.

Hello friends, enemies, stalkers, and my biggest fans. All welcomed to read another blog of the mind of well...me. Welcome Welcome. Take your shoes off and get comfortable. Stay awhile. 

It's a Tuesday night, and I guess in itself that's a pretty special thing. I mean when you think about it this will be the only Tuesday January 24, 2018 I'll ever have. That's something right.

                                                         It's all about perspective...I'm telling ya. 

I think I'm really starting to become the person that I was meant to be. Honestly, people spend too much of their days....lives trying to be who they want to be. Whether its nothing like the person who they are. For certain things its okay to try to change. Try to be nicer, or kinder, those sort of things you should always force yourself to do. Just for the peace of the world eh. People simple get so simulated by these trends and whatever may be cool on social media, that we often times lose ourselves to what and who we would like to be like. Somewhere in the realm of reality and the lives that we pretend to live we lost all conscious of who we are.

To me that's the saddest thing that could ever happen.

It's easy to do, days just blur together. You do the same thing day after day after day after day, Its hard. Life is hard. I get it, you get it. So let's just stop worrying about what new laundry product you want to eat, or what brand of fake eyelashes you want to stick up your nose, or what color you want to dye your armpit air. Just be you.

It's something that I have struggled with for most of my life. Always hiding who I am, but why? I could never exactly answer that but I knew that I just needed to try to be a fly on the wall to just get by. But for WHY? That's why...its time to stop. So far in the new year, the whole 23(almost 24) days I've been soul searching more that I ever have. Because I matter. I'm important. and I deserve to be seen, and heard. I'm not who I want to be, and that's okay. I don't need to be Adele, that role is taken and she's doing a pretty nice job of doing so. (you go girl) but  I'm being who I was meant to be. I'm learning my flaws learning my strengths. All good things and I know that one day I'll be glowing with confidence and nothing will be able to take that shine away. It's pretty possible to steal it now but hey I'm human, sometimes I just fall, and that's okay too.

I always knew that motherhood would change my life. I knew that my life would be more exhausting( I'm so tired...so so so tired.) Bottles, late nights, diapers, money that was spent on me goes to this little human. But, its so much more than that. Motherhood is rich with wisdom. Wisdom you never knew you had until it suddenly becomes this second nature. Motherhood taught me more about myself than anything before. Now, its not just about me. I can't just sit and allow myself to hide behind a mask or to think poorly of myself. I have to be an example. Motherhood is the stronger and most incredible muse that I have ever experience in all my life. My sweet boy is the greatest love that I've ever known. How did I get so lucky?

The world is full of spineless zombies who patrol the streets. Parading in their generic personalities by cutting throats with their sharp words and pistol ready judgments. By allowing them to have any effect we are handing over the power to them. Its time to stand up against those who pollute our world with hate and prejudice, let's love and spread the kindness. It's sad to me the amount of courage people have when they want to be cruel, why can't people have that courage when they want to be kind?
I'll be me and I'll go  into this world knowing I was honest with myself, and I allowed my soul to be free. What clarity it brings to me, to have a free soul.

O'Captian my Captain.
-Jenny.


Piece of poetry I'm making up as I go since I didn't prepare for this blog.


In the shadows of the desperate
Prepare the flowers and the casket
the last honest soldiers are buried tonight
and they fly into the velvet night
carrying the burden of the world
Enemies conquering at every turn
When will the darkness turn into the sun.
I've seen better days
Walking miles in all different ways
soles of my shoes worn bare
Heart so fragile oh so fair
too tender to stomach this disaster
the wind harbors too many secrets
discretely embodying  the lonely regrets
of the young and mindless who carry torches
following one another without any answer
before there's any questions
I'm floating in the breeze that takes me to any place
yet the white walls are caving in yet I know I'm safe
I feel it in my blood rushing through the pipe bring me home
walking on a tight rope don't look down.
The air is heavy, it burns my lungs.
Pressure in my head, I'm heavy
Pressure in my heart, It's heavy.
Breaking through the cage, my wings touch air.
I touch air. 

Someday right?

Being an "adult" is hard, or so I think so. I'm  certainly at the age to be considered an adult. (If that isn't one of the scariest things in the world.) I don't feel like it. Most days, and I'm not exaggerating in the least, MOST days I feel like a seventeen year old. Still young with hardly any responsibility, prepping myself for what the "real" would be like. 

I was afraid. Of everything. The life that I had known for my entire span of life was ending, to be pushed into this world that I pretending to know a thing or two about. Guess what, I didn't have a clue, and I'm starting to think I still don't. But hey! that's okay. Not everyone in the world does. My guess is that most of the people you see walking along the streets, driving in their cars, or browsing the endless (but empty) aisles of Walmart don't have their entire lives put together. If they do? well excuse my language but fuck em. 

We're all just shells that carry souls that are looking for some kind of purpose, or even a sign letting us know that we're doing something right. That we're on the path we're suppose to be on. Right?
 I think too much and that's my biggest problem.....well okay, its not my biggest problem. It's still bothersome. I over analyze my life more than I should. If I'm thinking this correctly, I bet you do too. Hi, I'm Jenny and I'm awkward and think too much, Let's be friends. 

I'm 28 years old. That scared little seventeen year old existed eleven years ago. I can hardly believe that much time really passed. In that time I feel like I've done nothing with my life. I still don't own a home, I haven't started my career yet, I'm not rich or famous. What have I done? Those thoughts linger with me all the time. Forcing myself to try to think of plan to get it right. Every plan fails. Wanna know why? Life doesn't give a shit what you want. I've learned in my 28 years that you just try your best and just go with the flow. Do what you can with what you have NOW and worry about tomorrow when it arrives. Some tomorrows happen quickly, some take forever but regardless...they come.

In the eleven years I, got married. To a pretty decent guy. Just kidding. Erik is my number one fan. It's nice to know that the person you chose to spend your life with is one that you can share every dream and goal with. No matter how silly I think my dreams are, he's right there cheering me on. I graduated with my Bachelors. Dedicated four years to that and I interned twice during those years. I had a baby. The purpose of life Jack. I have a nice car. 
Not too shabby.

Just few more things on my list to feel accomplished in life, to buy a home which we're slowly working on, and working on my writing career. Happy New year!....only 4 days late.

I need to stop comparing life to a set of expectations and just live to my own beat. Someday will happen. If the only things in my life that I feel  I'm missing is a house and a writing career, then I say I'm doing pretty well for myself. Those things are in the future. With hard work, faith, and patience I know that it will all happen.

Last thoughts for the evening. I've wondered if I had access to knowing the future if I'd want to know. I have sat on their question for so long, doing my best to take into consideration of every pro and con that could be. For my own benefit and the benefit of others. I guess, as much as I'd like to know the future, I wouldn't look into the mystic crystal ball. It goes against the natural aspect of life. Let's all be surprised to how things work out. You just don't read the last page of the book and expect to understand and know the entire story. Life is the same. No shortcuts. 

Someday Jenny, Someday....until then....enjoy today.
















"Hold On" I wrote this in 2013 I believe. Sometimes its interesting to look back at my old writing. I always wondered what my inspiration or sometimes who, for that day was. Not everything is based on my life or my thoughts. I tend to get inspiration from the news or people, or anything. The world is my muse, thus I write. Enjoy. 



"Hold On" Just a little tighter hold on now Close your eyes and don't look down. a hazy view from way up here today we're going to run head on to all our fears. I'm tired of being afraid I'm tired of the crying I've tried many gods my knees tried of praying. I haven't heard a word I'm talking to a wall. I'm just angel without wings catch me as I fall. Hold on enjoy the air nothing in that world you know is fair that's just how the wind blows its always changing directions you know I remember a time I thought it all made sense as the years creeped up I don't know what it all meant. its tough fighting the demons disguised as hope Sins bleeding through the bricks faith intwined in rope Hold on its cold down there evil teases running wild in the air Up here I can feel the stars the night warm Hello Mister Moon thank you for taking the harm bruised old friend I'll hold on to the end the war has only just begun between love and hate fragile hearts so paper thin they break pieces glittered all over the fresh green grass I'll be saving you I'll give you my very last breath I'll take the hate bottle up all in me. To give your a heart a break from all that you see Hold on its a long way down We can run away and never turn around. listen to the meadow hum sweet lullabys until the sun decides to give us light Hold on its getting cold let's watch the world grow old.