It's been a while since I blogged. I promise to keep it short. To be honest, there's not much to talk about. Nothing that I don't share into my journal. So Hello out there?! Anyone home? It's certainly no secret that the state of our world is in shambles, especially our country.
America, isn't the country it once was. It's not because there's illegals here, or homosexual people are getting married, or even people deciding to change their names. Its the people of this country deciding that HATE is more important that RESPECT. Why we feel that our opinions matter so much is beyond me. Why should anyone's personal opinion affect anyone. If your not hurting anyone I say live your best life. Do you and what makes you happy. Obviously murder can't be considered to be on that list of "go ahead and do what you want with your life" list. Although some of you should be happy its not. (insert laugh) We all have bad days right?
Life is a crazy swinging time ball for me. It's always moving so fast, yet I feel nothing changes but everything changing at the same time. Some warped illusion of reality that paints itself into the sky, yet I can only see stars. I'm a dreamer thus I can't seem to get myself to land on my feet. I always insist that I can fly. I pray that my children have the same magic in their own souls. Reality is a prison that traps us. It sucks the soul that is suppose to be a fire inside of us. The wild flame that leads us into through our adventures. Without the flame where would the passion stem from? I pray reality never beats down on my children. I pray with everything that I am the world will never still their love, their magic, their dreams, and their kindness. For the world can be cold and cruel and confusing.
The new just breaks my heart and leaves me more confused at the state of the people. I'm always wondering why, and how do I protect my children from it. Simply answer..
YOU CAN'T. They will one day have to venture out into this world, and all you can do is hope to whatever God or non God you believe in that you did your best to PREPARE them for all that is out there. I've said it a million times, Parenting is exhausting and I'm only nearing year 2.
I put too much pressure on myself. I've noticed that lately, that I need to allow myself to be human. For my health and well being. I put so much on my own plate that I begin to feel overwhelmed and lost and myself to blame. Relax, its okay not to be perfect, in fact its great to be NOT perfect. I need to allow myself to be human, its okay if I'm not super mom. I work hard at a job, I work hard at my marriage, I work hard at being a mother, and most importantly I make time for the things I'm passionate about. I'm slowly learning that life isn't about ADULTING, but just living. Who cares how old you are, just live in the happiness that you can, and that is what life is all about.
{Poem} by yours truly of course
You may want to get a start, but have no where to go
You may want to leave, but don't have the energy to move
It's okay to stay put, take it slow
Life is nothing but a lesson, what do you have to lose?
The clock is just a tick, don't pay attention to its face
sometimes it changes and sometimes it stays the same.
Don't like the lines of life keep you trapped
Don't allow yourself to be stuck in the same unhappy place
You may want to get a start, but have no where to go
You may want to leave, but don't have the energy to move
It's okay to stay put, take it slow
Life is nothing but a lesson, what do you have to lose?
The stars shine, when the sky is black
Just like the days always get sunny in the morning
Don't let bad days get you off track
You'll get to where you're going
No worries, its all in the moment
before you know you're soaring.
You may want to get a start, but have no where to go
You may want to leave, but don't have the energy to move
It's okay to stay put, take it slow
Life is nothing but a lesson, what do you have to lose?
Over the fence is the same ground, the same sky
No need to hop over to be a dream,
Keep your eyes open wide
and see that life is right where you left it.
You can choose to stop at the path or travel up stream
It's all whether you can brave the tides
To keep pushing forward after you've fallen
Shake the dust off and get moving.
Always keep moving.
You may want to get a start, but have no where to go
You may want to leave but don't have the energy to move
It's okay to stay put, take it slow
Life is nothing but a lesson, You have nothing to lose.
Live freely- Love Always Jenny
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Distance *poem*
Running out of a steam.
The engine dying out
The future so far gone
its hard to be seen.
Running until my shoes are bare
feeling the ground for miles
Its been days and I cannot
find a single reason why this is all fair.
I'm just waiting for direction
to follow until I'm satisfied
I'm just waiting for some indication
that this will all be worth this life
In the distance I'll see the enigma
of where I'm going and who I am,
what I am.
The beat of the cruel winds
keep me in a wicked trance
I'm speaking with the skies
waiting for the answers to begin
I'm in the river flowing out of my mind
levels of critical thinking clogged in the pipes
reaching out to hold the stability
Reality washing away is all I find.
The engine dying out
The future so far gone
its hard to be seen.
Running until my shoes are bare
feeling the ground for miles
Its been days and I cannot
find a single reason why this is all fair.
I'm just waiting for direction
to follow until I'm satisfied
I'm just waiting for some indication
that this will all be worth this life
In the distance I'll see the enigma
of where I'm going and who I am,
what I am.
The beat of the cruel winds
keep me in a wicked trance
I'm speaking with the skies
waiting for the answers to begin
I'm in the river flowing out of my mind
levels of critical thinking clogged in the pipes
reaching out to hold the stability
Reality washing away is all I find.
All for you
I just wanted to write again relating to parenting and basically some other thoughts that a 29 year old from the midwest may have.
I realize that my life isn't exciting to read about but, its so much of an adventure while living. The new job is going by great!!!!!! I have no regrets that I made the right decision. The money is so much better, the days are fast. It will help my family out so much! The people are great and as much as I love kids, its nice to only have to focus on mine. I'm not as emotionally exhausted at the end of the day and can use that extra energy toward the child that matters the most to me. My own! It's been so refreshing and so very exciting! I'm so thankful that this opportunity was given to me and that I had the courage to step out of my comfort zone and took it.
I've spent too much of my life worrying about how my actions would affect others. Hurting peoples feelings or letting them down. I decided to stop and start worrying about my life and my family and what I need and what my FAMILY needs. Taking this job was my first step in doing what I needed to move forward and to benefit my life with my family. I'm so unbelievably happy to have a job that is less emotional less mentally exhausting so I can dedicate more of myself to my family. I've continued to work hard in my health and I'm doing so well. I'm also addicted to pushing myself harder and harder. I want more, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not sweeping my desires and goals under the rug...I'm fighting full force to make it all come true. I'm not hiding behind the curtain, I'm dancing on stage and I'm the star. I will absorb the spotlight and take in all because I'm worth it and this is my life and I only get to write this story once. That's all. you get one life, so make it worth it all to the very end.
Sometimes, I feel that I'm not doing enough to make Jack's life the greatest. We haven't bought a house yet and I feel that a forever home will complete the family. I know it will happen in a few years but I'm so impatient. I want the world of him and I'm afraid that I will never be able to give him all the greatest opportunities in life or all the direction he will need. My heart hurts from all the love that fills for this small little boy. I get in a such terrible funks that I'm not doing well enough to be where I need to be or at least in be in the direction of where I want to go. I've been working so hard to try to manage these thoughts and all the things that need to be done so I can get to where I want to be for my family but I always feel like I'm failing and that I'll never be able to give the best to my family. Its this on going battle that I have with myself that brings me so low that sometimes I just feel like falling apart long after everyone else has gone to sleep. I know I'm too hard on myself and I put far too much pressure on myself but its these thoughts that keep encircling me that in a way motivate me to continue to push to find more to keep me wanting and fighting for more. I won't quick and I'll continue to do what I need to, to give the best to my family. Erik and I work HARD for everything that we have with NO help and I'm proud that we are able to get through this life on our own. We're still climbing our mountain and one day we will reach the top and it will be beautiful.
I need to learn to love the life I live while working on climbing. No more sad days because crying and worrying doesn't fix anything. We have food in the kitchen and roof over our heads and love in our home. We are wealthy in the ways that it matters.
I realize that my life isn't exciting to read about but, its so much of an adventure while living. The new job is going by great!!!!!! I have no regrets that I made the right decision. The money is so much better, the days are fast. It will help my family out so much! The people are great and as much as I love kids, its nice to only have to focus on mine. I'm not as emotionally exhausted at the end of the day and can use that extra energy toward the child that matters the most to me. My own! It's been so refreshing and so very exciting! I'm so thankful that this opportunity was given to me and that I had the courage to step out of my comfort zone and took it.
I've spent too much of my life worrying about how my actions would affect others. Hurting peoples feelings or letting them down. I decided to stop and start worrying about my life and my family and what I need and what my FAMILY needs. Taking this job was my first step in doing what I needed to move forward and to benefit my life with my family. I'm so unbelievably happy to have a job that is less emotional less mentally exhausting so I can dedicate more of myself to my family. I've continued to work hard in my health and I'm doing so well. I'm also addicted to pushing myself harder and harder. I want more, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not sweeping my desires and goals under the rug...I'm fighting full force to make it all come true. I'm not hiding behind the curtain, I'm dancing on stage and I'm the star. I will absorb the spotlight and take in all because I'm worth it and this is my life and I only get to write this story once. That's all. you get one life, so make it worth it all to the very end.
Sometimes, I feel that I'm not doing enough to make Jack's life the greatest. We haven't bought a house yet and I feel that a forever home will complete the family. I know it will happen in a few years but I'm so impatient. I want the world of him and I'm afraid that I will never be able to give him all the greatest opportunities in life or all the direction he will need. My heart hurts from all the love that fills for this small little boy. I get in a such terrible funks that I'm not doing well enough to be where I need to be or at least in be in the direction of where I want to go. I've been working so hard to try to manage these thoughts and all the things that need to be done so I can get to where I want to be for my family but I always feel like I'm failing and that I'll never be able to give the best to my family. Its this on going battle that I have with myself that brings me so low that sometimes I just feel like falling apart long after everyone else has gone to sleep. I know I'm too hard on myself and I put far too much pressure on myself but its these thoughts that keep encircling me that in a way motivate me to continue to push to find more to keep me wanting and fighting for more. I won't quick and I'll continue to do what I need to, to give the best to my family. Erik and I work HARD for everything that we have with NO help and I'm proud that we are able to get through this life on our own. We're still climbing our mountain and one day we will reach the top and it will be beautiful.
I need to learn to love the life I live while working on climbing. No more sad days because crying and worrying doesn't fix anything. We have food in the kitchen and roof over our heads and love in our home. We are wealthy in the ways that it matters.
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Changes
It's certainly been a while since I last had the chance to blog. Times are busy with a little one that loves to explore. In all honestly, I like devoting my daytime to him. Watching him learn and grow fills my heart with so much love and joy that I feel it may burst into a million pieces
Parenthood is heartbreaking. That's the fact of it. It's the most breathtaking experience, and the love you feel is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. But its heartbreaking. Watching and helping them grow. How fast it honestly goes boggles my mind.
Has time always moved this fast or just when you become a parent? I feel like once you join the parent club time suddenly shifts from fast to ultrasuperspeedoflight fast. Hold on, would you. Could I just have a minute to just look around and breath. To enjoy. Nope, life and time stop for no one. In order to stop and enjoy all these precious small moments that will literally be gone before we know it, we must create that space in time. Who cares what kind of car you have, the house you live in, what you do for a living. In the end, what memories do you want to keep? what memories are you going to wish you spent more time in?
I know what mine are. Being with my family, because love is the greatest gift in the world. And not just parenthood love, all the love. Its special and beautiful and should be cherished and appreciated. Love isn't something that is handed out or found easily. So go hug someone you love, take the day off of work and stay home and play or cuddle those babies of yours. YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK. Don't look back when your eighty years old wishing you had more pictures of you but because you thought you were fat, or didn't like your teeth, you never took family pictures. At the end of your life, none of those things will matter other than the life that is being lived in those pictures.
My little sweet Jack, sometimes I see this toddler in his place and it takes me a minute to realize how much he's grown. My poor happy heart.
Changes have been a BIG part of my life recently. I switched jobs. I gave up a job I love to have a job with more pay and a little more hours. It was a hard choice but one I needed to make. To better suit the needs of my family and the goals we have for the next few years, more money is something that is needed to become successful. We hope to buy a house in the next 4 years, pay off somethings, and put lots away. We're a team my husband and I and I felt that with this opportunity given to me, I could contribute more than I was to help him be the provider. Erik works hard day in and day out and even does tons of overtime without a complaint to support our family. Being part of a team is stepping up where you can. I'm confident in my choice to leave my job of two years, even though it was heartbreaking and I HATE CHANGE. It will take me a while to adjust but so far I'm really enjoying the place I've moved too, and the work that I do. The days go by fast and I'm learning on quickly of the job task ahead of me.
I'm still in Verona (currently anyways) for my new job and it still feels strange not driving to the old place of work, I'm currently in the surreal part of change, where it doesn't feel like its really happening and its just a strange moment in time. I hope in a few weeks that I'll fully adjust and get into the routine of the new life that I have took in.
On greater news, baby number 2 is on the way! In 3 weeks Erik will find out the gender. Its been a fast pregnancy. I do have Jack to thank for that as he keeps me busy. I'm beyond excited to have another baby, and Jack to have a sibling. Someone to grow up with and create a bond and memories with. One of my biggest fears was that he would be the only child and how lonely that life could be and it broke my heart. I'm so happy that he will have sibling in January. I will admit, that my head has been playing games. The worry of adjusting to two kids is a bit of an overwhelming thought to process. I keep worrying that I'll love one more than the other, or I won't give one as enough attention as the other. I worry sick about it day and nice. I've been promised it's a normal fear and that my heart will grow. I know it will, and I know that making enough time for both will just come naturally but its still a fear. I just want them both to have such amazing loved lives that its consumes me.
There's a whole new world coming to me in pieces,its exciting and scary but I'm still standing tall and confident that I can handle anything thrown at me. As long as I have my amazing family and my wonderful friends as support all the new changes that I think will throw me off will only be the mountain I climb.
So, make a change. Even if its scary. Trust me, I hate change. But its good for the soul,it allows you to see just how brave and strong you can be.
No poem tonight as I just finished my first work at the new job and I'm fried.
But love to you all, and may the odds forever be in your favor.
Live Freely,
Jenny
Parenthood is heartbreaking. That's the fact of it. It's the most breathtaking experience, and the love you feel is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. But its heartbreaking. Watching and helping them grow. How fast it honestly goes boggles my mind.
Has time always moved this fast or just when you become a parent? I feel like once you join the parent club time suddenly shifts from fast to ultrasuperspeedoflight fast. Hold on, would you. Could I just have a minute to just look around and breath. To enjoy. Nope, life and time stop for no one. In order to stop and enjoy all these precious small moments that will literally be gone before we know it, we must create that space in time. Who cares what kind of car you have, the house you live in, what you do for a living. In the end, what memories do you want to keep? what memories are you going to wish you spent more time in?
I know what mine are. Being with my family, because love is the greatest gift in the world. And not just parenthood love, all the love. Its special and beautiful and should be cherished and appreciated. Love isn't something that is handed out or found easily. So go hug someone you love, take the day off of work and stay home and play or cuddle those babies of yours. YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK. Don't look back when your eighty years old wishing you had more pictures of you but because you thought you were fat, or didn't like your teeth, you never took family pictures. At the end of your life, none of those things will matter other than the life that is being lived in those pictures.
My little sweet Jack, sometimes I see this toddler in his place and it takes me a minute to realize how much he's grown. My poor happy heart.
Changes have been a BIG part of my life recently. I switched jobs. I gave up a job I love to have a job with more pay and a little more hours. It was a hard choice but one I needed to make. To better suit the needs of my family and the goals we have for the next few years, more money is something that is needed to become successful. We hope to buy a house in the next 4 years, pay off somethings, and put lots away. We're a team my husband and I and I felt that with this opportunity given to me, I could contribute more than I was to help him be the provider. Erik works hard day in and day out and even does tons of overtime without a complaint to support our family. Being part of a team is stepping up where you can. I'm confident in my choice to leave my job of two years, even though it was heartbreaking and I HATE CHANGE. It will take me a while to adjust but so far I'm really enjoying the place I've moved too, and the work that I do. The days go by fast and I'm learning on quickly of the job task ahead of me.
I'm still in Verona (currently anyways) for my new job and it still feels strange not driving to the old place of work, I'm currently in the surreal part of change, where it doesn't feel like its really happening and its just a strange moment in time. I hope in a few weeks that I'll fully adjust and get into the routine of the new life that I have took in.
On greater news, baby number 2 is on the way! In 3 weeks Erik will find out the gender. Its been a fast pregnancy. I do have Jack to thank for that as he keeps me busy. I'm beyond excited to have another baby, and Jack to have a sibling. Someone to grow up with and create a bond and memories with. One of my biggest fears was that he would be the only child and how lonely that life could be and it broke my heart. I'm so happy that he will have sibling in January. I will admit, that my head has been playing games. The worry of adjusting to two kids is a bit of an overwhelming thought to process. I keep worrying that I'll love one more than the other, or I won't give one as enough attention as the other. I worry sick about it day and nice. I've been promised it's a normal fear and that my heart will grow. I know it will, and I know that making enough time for both will just come naturally but its still a fear. I just want them both to have such amazing loved lives that its consumes me.
There's a whole new world coming to me in pieces,its exciting and scary but I'm still standing tall and confident that I can handle anything thrown at me. As long as I have my amazing family and my wonderful friends as support all the new changes that I think will throw me off will only be the mountain I climb.
So, make a change. Even if its scary. Trust me, I hate change. But its good for the soul,it allows you to see just how brave and strong you can be.
No poem tonight as I just finished my first work at the new job and I'm fried.
But love to you all, and may the odds forever be in your favor.
Live Freely,
Jenny
Friday, June 15, 2018
Sing to me sweet morning dove.
It is way past my bedtime. Yet, here I sit lost in the whim of my thoughts. They take me far sometimes, then at other times there are still. I'm stuck in the same dawn. Overlooking the the colors in the same pattern as they always been. Even so, they're still just as beautiful as the very first time.
There's many decisions that I need to make that will better benefit my family. I know some of the challenges I face ahead may be goodbyes. I can't hold myself accountable to ensure that everyone around me is happy and taken care of. I'm simply not a super hero even though I like the cape and I feel that I can put the weight of the world on my shoulders. The simple truth is I cannot. I'm merely human and I can only do so much before I begin to crumble. I need to face that sometimes being adult means making hard choices but knowing it is for the best and your life will carry on in the direction that its meant to be.
Adulthood sucks. Can I turn back time? No? well....that really does suck.
I feel like I'm failing at everything....all the time. I've come a great ways in life, it may be at a slow pace but I'll get to where I need to be. It's just this middle chapter that I struggle through. I pep talk myself and I'll really start feeling great! I got this! Just takes hard work and time. Then the night hits and the chaos that makes up my day suddenly goes silence. and the world just feels a bit more lonely. Its where those thoughts creep on me. Whispering all the self evident fears that nag at me until its hard to sleep, and hard to even begin to fill my head with anything else. I'm awake and I'm in a dream where everything is going backwards when I'm trying to move forward. The overwhelming derailment of not being who I was meant to be, or never know who I am or who Im suppose to be, am I already here? What if I missed my turn? Where am I now? is this forever? what is this is only today?
Who am I? Who are you?
Sing to me sweet morning dove, out the summer window you sing proudly against the new sky. How I long to fly.
I'm vindicated in the selfish flee of choices
as I no longer justify the danger in moving on
The places that travel under go by in a dust covered album
The sweet morning dove where ever I go will sing her song
I'll be reminded of my darling home
Its a memory that dances with the blades of grass in the rain
It's a hope that whispers where ever I roam
4 years from now the world we know it, will change
Off the beaten path we emerge into new people
Inside we have bloomed but the faces will be the same
you cannot define me, I'm a journey through the wild
a fire that cannot be tamed.
Goodnight world, goodnight no one? I can't imagine anyone sitting through this entire blog. I'm actually quite boring. I hope your day is filled with a journey you've never been on before. With the ability to learn something new, and most importantly filled with Love. In the wise words of the Beatles. All you need is love....isn't that exactly what we all need. LOVE.
Sing to me sweet morning dove.
There's many decisions that I need to make that will better benefit my family. I know some of the challenges I face ahead may be goodbyes. I can't hold myself accountable to ensure that everyone around me is happy and taken care of. I'm simply not a super hero even though I like the cape and I feel that I can put the weight of the world on my shoulders. The simple truth is I cannot. I'm merely human and I can only do so much before I begin to crumble. I need to face that sometimes being adult means making hard choices but knowing it is for the best and your life will carry on in the direction that its meant to be.
Adulthood sucks. Can I turn back time? No? well....that really does suck.
I feel like I'm failing at everything....all the time. I've come a great ways in life, it may be at a slow pace but I'll get to where I need to be. It's just this middle chapter that I struggle through. I pep talk myself and I'll really start feeling great! I got this! Just takes hard work and time. Then the night hits and the chaos that makes up my day suddenly goes silence. and the world just feels a bit more lonely. Its where those thoughts creep on me. Whispering all the self evident fears that nag at me until its hard to sleep, and hard to even begin to fill my head with anything else. I'm awake and I'm in a dream where everything is going backwards when I'm trying to move forward. The overwhelming derailment of not being who I was meant to be, or never know who I am or who Im suppose to be, am I already here? What if I missed my turn? Where am I now? is this forever? what is this is only today?
Who am I? Who are you?
Sing to me sweet morning dove, out the summer window you sing proudly against the new sky. How I long to fly.
I'm vindicated in the selfish flee of choices
as I no longer justify the danger in moving on
The places that travel under go by in a dust covered album
The sweet morning dove where ever I go will sing her song
I'll be reminded of my darling home
Its a memory that dances with the blades of grass in the rain
It's a hope that whispers where ever I roam
4 years from now the world we know it, will change
Off the beaten path we emerge into new people
Inside we have bloomed but the faces will be the same
you cannot define me, I'm a journey through the wild
a fire that cannot be tamed.
Goodnight world, goodnight no one? I can't imagine anyone sitting through this entire blog. I'm actually quite boring. I hope your day is filled with a journey you've never been on before. With the ability to learn something new, and most importantly filled with Love. In the wise words of the Beatles. All you need is love....isn't that exactly what we all need. LOVE.
Sing to me sweet morning dove.
Monday, May 7, 2018
Let me sway
It's been a while since I had a moment to sit down and write a blog. Nicer weather means I'm out walking and playing with my family. Since mother's day is this weekend thought I'd ramble on about mothers for a minute.
Love your mother and tell her daily and for coffee sakes appreciate her. *Unless your mom is truly legit a piece then find someone who was like a mother influence and appreciate her.)
I've only been a mother for 16 months now. It's the best thing to ever happen to me. There's no greater love that I have ever experienced than the love I have for my beautiful son. Honestly, becoming a mother has been my first experience truly with selfless love. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Jack, or to be the best possible version of myself for him. I want to change the world and make it better and the people of it better. I want to change the stars for him. I want to teach him everything there is to be learned, I want him to be greater than myself and even bigger dreams than my own. It's this world that I never experienced until I saw my son. Everything changes.
Motherhood is hard. I'm exhausted all the time. No matter how much sleep I get or how many cups of coffee I have. I'm tired. My body isn't the same. Granted it was never anything to brag about, but being pregnant has such a toll on your body. It's worth it all. I think and worry about Jack all the time. What can I do to make his life greater, am I doing enough? Did I hug him enough? am I doing enough to help him grow and learn? Am I holding him back? How am I going to pay for college? What if he wants to be in sports how will I afford that? What if he doesn't make friends? what if he makes the wrong friends? Did he get enough to eat? Did he eat too much? Do I spend enough time with him? Am I giving him a good environment to grow?
Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted.
Being a mother, especially in the younger days you will be head bumped, punched, pinched, bit, hair pulled, glasses ripped off, knocked in the mouth, pulled on, scratched. But you will also be hugged, and kissed, and tackled with love. Once again. It's all worth it.
You'll be covered in food that you didn't eat, snot, pee and poop. You'll be up chasing them from harmful stunts or getting into places and things they shouldn't
I feel like I'm always cleaning just for my house to look like a F5 tornado came whirling through. Once again, maybe that's why I'm exhausted.
How about those mothers who are wives too, another person to try to save attention and patience for after being hit, scratched, bit, food thrown on, chased after, fought with, picked up, cleaned,dusted,vacuumed, did laundry, with at the end of the day with a list of things to still do after bedtime.
I'm exhausted. In the best way. I have two amazing people that I share my home with. There's days where I don't feel appreciated but I know that they do, even if they don't show it and I know there's days where I don't appreciate the things my husband does, or the things that make up my life because I'm always so focused on the future and how I'm going to change it, create it., that I forget to enjoy the present and live in this beautiful moment that I have.
I'm a mother. My hair is a mess, my clothes are never tidy, I'm forgetful due to my busy mind. I'm tired, I'm loved, I'm blessed, I'm busy. I do everything that I do because I love being a mother. On top of it all I get the best and most amazing little boy to be the mother of. Talk about double whammy right?
Its the most amazing feeling in the world. I love being a mother
Love your mother and tell her daily and for coffee sakes appreciate her. *Unless your mom is truly legit a piece then find someone who was like a mother influence and appreciate her.)
I've only been a mother for 16 months now. It's the best thing to ever happen to me. There's no greater love that I have ever experienced than the love I have for my beautiful son. Honestly, becoming a mother has been my first experience truly with selfless love. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Jack, or to be the best possible version of myself for him. I want to change the world and make it better and the people of it better. I want to change the stars for him. I want to teach him everything there is to be learned, I want him to be greater than myself and even bigger dreams than my own. It's this world that I never experienced until I saw my son. Everything changes.
Motherhood is hard. I'm exhausted all the time. No matter how much sleep I get or how many cups of coffee I have. I'm tired. My body isn't the same. Granted it was never anything to brag about, but being pregnant has such a toll on your body. It's worth it all. I think and worry about Jack all the time. What can I do to make his life greater, am I doing enough? Did I hug him enough? am I doing enough to help him grow and learn? Am I holding him back? How am I going to pay for college? What if he wants to be in sports how will I afford that? What if he doesn't make friends? what if he makes the wrong friends? Did he get enough to eat? Did he eat too much? Do I spend enough time with him? Am I giving him a good environment to grow?
Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted.
Being a mother, especially in the younger days you will be head bumped, punched, pinched, bit, hair pulled, glasses ripped off, knocked in the mouth, pulled on, scratched. But you will also be hugged, and kissed, and tackled with love. Once again. It's all worth it.
You'll be covered in food that you didn't eat, snot, pee and poop. You'll be up chasing them from harmful stunts or getting into places and things they shouldn't
I feel like I'm always cleaning just for my house to look like a F5 tornado came whirling through. Once again, maybe that's why I'm exhausted.
How about those mothers who are wives too, another person to try to save attention and patience for after being hit, scratched, bit, food thrown on, chased after, fought with, picked up, cleaned,dusted,vacuumed, did laundry, with at the end of the day with a list of things to still do after bedtime.
I'm exhausted. In the best way. I have two amazing people that I share my home with. There's days where I don't feel appreciated but I know that they do, even if they don't show it and I know there's days where I don't appreciate the things my husband does, or the things that make up my life because I'm always so focused on the future and how I'm going to change it, create it., that I forget to enjoy the present and live in this beautiful moment that I have.
I'm a mother. My hair is a mess, my clothes are never tidy, I'm forgetful due to my busy mind. I'm tired, I'm loved, I'm blessed, I'm busy. I do everything that I do because I love being a mother. On top of it all I get the best and most amazing little boy to be the mother of. Talk about double whammy right?
Its the most amazing feeling in the world. I love being a mother
Friday, March 30, 2018
Chapped lips and paper cut hands.
I never learned how to balance a spoon on my nose. Maybe I have the wrong spoons, or even that I'm not using the proper spoon to nose techniques. My brain works in this flexible setting all the time. It just appreciates all these little moments that most people don't give a second though too.
As I waited for my coffee to brew (decaf for it is 9:54pm) I simply was holding the spoon out, drumming it against the palm of my hand. Lost in the tranquility of the steam that was embracing the air. It circled from the rich brew and freed itself into the air. Dancing as it found room to stretch.
It only took a second for me to try to balance the spoon to my nose. A quick flash to childhood when I would try like I saw in the movies of course. To my lack of surprise I couldn't perform the spoon trick and I may never get a sense of that. It's a bittersweet feeling, to think back to our lives and all the smallest of moments that end up being the biggest ones.
Growing up I remember driving through Governor Dodge State Park with my family. Sometimes my parents would stop and let us play in the playground. I loved being out there. I lost the appreciate for nature during those dreaded teenage years but have gained back my lust for birds singing, and trees being my shelter. (still haven't mustered an appreciation for sleeping in a tent yet, but hey life is far from over there's still time right?) Just a Thursday night on a summer day and we'd take a ride through the park. Windows down and the cool sweet breeze rushing by and sweetly caressing my cheeks. I can close my eyes and still feel it, and remember those days. Even the thoughts that would consume me.
I've realized that, I've always been a deep thinker. I think too much, too deep. It always branches into this deep and mind blowing trivial train of chaotic thoughts. All day every day. I wonder sometimes, what others are thinking about. Are we thinking about the same thing? How different are we all really? Is there someone out there like me? Why can't I be normal? Why would I even want to be normal? How different am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? What is life? Is this all some dream and we wake up when we die?
There's so many things that go through my head that its hard to find words to match all of them. I get anxious over my thoughts and they speak to me all the time, even when I'm trying to sleep. Its this record that never stills and the music is always playing. Only words and more words. I figure its a blessing, at least I know that my brain is working right? A working mind means and I'm still alive and that's a good thing.
I often wonder what people consider to be there sanctuary. Where do you feel safe. I'm not speaking in a physically matter, but in a emotionally and mentally aspect. Where do we allow ourselves to feel safe? Writing. That's my sanctuary. Where I can be absolutely free from expectations from myself, and the world. No limits I can create any masterpiece of words I can create worlds and people, I can be completely honest and completely unchained to any aspects contribution to my encasement. So I ask you,because I'm dying to know....what's your sanctuary?
As I waited for my coffee to brew (decaf for it is 9:54pm) I simply was holding the spoon out, drumming it against the palm of my hand. Lost in the tranquility of the steam that was embracing the air. It circled from the rich brew and freed itself into the air. Dancing as it found room to stretch.
It only took a second for me to try to balance the spoon to my nose. A quick flash to childhood when I would try like I saw in the movies of course. To my lack of surprise I couldn't perform the spoon trick and I may never get a sense of that. It's a bittersweet feeling, to think back to our lives and all the smallest of moments that end up being the biggest ones.
Growing up I remember driving through Governor Dodge State Park with my family. Sometimes my parents would stop and let us play in the playground. I loved being out there. I lost the appreciate for nature during those dreaded teenage years but have gained back my lust for birds singing, and trees being my shelter. (still haven't mustered an appreciation for sleeping in a tent yet, but hey life is far from over there's still time right?) Just a Thursday night on a summer day and we'd take a ride through the park. Windows down and the cool sweet breeze rushing by and sweetly caressing my cheeks. I can close my eyes and still feel it, and remember those days. Even the thoughts that would consume me.
I've realized that, I've always been a deep thinker. I think too much, too deep. It always branches into this deep and mind blowing trivial train of chaotic thoughts. All day every day. I wonder sometimes, what others are thinking about. Are we thinking about the same thing? How different are we all really? Is there someone out there like me? Why can't I be normal? Why would I even want to be normal? How different am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? What is life? Is this all some dream and we wake up when we die?
There's so many things that go through my head that its hard to find words to match all of them. I get anxious over my thoughts and they speak to me all the time, even when I'm trying to sleep. Its this record that never stills and the music is always playing. Only words and more words. I figure its a blessing, at least I know that my brain is working right? A working mind means and I'm still alive and that's a good thing.
I often wonder what people consider to be there sanctuary. Where do you feel safe. I'm not speaking in a physically matter, but in a emotionally and mentally aspect. Where do we allow ourselves to feel safe? Writing. That's my sanctuary. Where I can be absolutely free from expectations from myself, and the world. No limits I can create any masterpiece of words I can create worlds and people, I can be completely honest and completely unchained to any aspects contribution to my encasement. So I ask you,because I'm dying to know....what's your sanctuary?
Friday, March 16, 2018
Every step counts.
Adding exercise to my life has taught me so many things.
1. Hard work does pay off
2. If its hard, its worth it.
3.I'm strong. Mentally and physically.
4. I can do anything if I honestly put my mind to it
5. I'm unbreakable.
6. I'm human.
I'm so proud of how hard I've been working and how good I feel is a blessing in itself. I have more energy my body feels better and my mind is sharper. There's no way I can give up, I've come so far and I'm still standing at the base of the mountain.
I was asked what my motivation was. I spent a few days thinking about my drive. The very simple answer is. Love.
Love for myself, love for my life, love for my family, my son, for my friends. Love is the strongest push we will ever experience. It's my drive for all that I do.
I will not give up, I know my biggest obstacle will be myself, and the biggest fight and battle we will have in our lives is always against ourselves. I know that I can, and I know that I will because there isn't another choice.
I was lucky enough to spend extra time with Jack this week. It's been perfect. My heart aches watching him grow, even more so that there's nothing I can do to control how fast its all happening. I sit and look at him knowing these days will just be pictures I look back on. I'll sit with tear filled eyes wishing he was small again. Then I realized, I'm living in those picture now. I'm living in those future memories every day. Instead of worrying of when I'll be sitting down looking at the pictures but enjoying living in the pictures as long as I can.
Life is fast, but I don't need to tell you that. You already know. Sometimes I just stop and think, how did I get here? How much as changed...everything has and everything does.
The days never seem long enough, and a year is some chump change. I think I'm going to lose the virtue in time and just live. I spend so much wasted energy worrying about running out time. If I stopped believing in time then I would never run out of it right?
In a perfect world.
I'm a helpless lost soul wandering down
a long gravel path I stumbled upon.
I use to hide in the darkness wising on stars
now that I've felt the sun, I'm going far
I've been broken and tossed aside
but that's not going to happen this time
I've built myself up and put back the pieces
better than before, time has a way or erasing
the scars will honor my reflection
I will spit out the hate that life tries to infect in us.
I use to be broken and my mind off track
lost in the middle and no where to turn back
but I've found my vision and understand where I need to go
I'll get there when I'm ready nice and slow
It's all up to me.
I use to paint the sky with fallen showers of diamonds
that felt unpretty next to the glittering sky
I use to sit in that position tearing up myself wondering why
I never felt a place to blend in.
To be apart of it
It took many years before my heart knew
I wasn't born to be apart of the crews
I'm more than a shadow following along the pavement
I'm more than a quiet footstep against the cement
I'm a tall oak tree reaching for the sun
I'm learning to love the human I've become.
Live Freely,
Jenny
1. Hard work does pay off
2. If its hard, its worth it.
3.I'm strong. Mentally and physically.
4. I can do anything if I honestly put my mind to it
5. I'm unbreakable.
6. I'm human.
I'm so proud of how hard I've been working and how good I feel is a blessing in itself. I have more energy my body feels better and my mind is sharper. There's no way I can give up, I've come so far and I'm still standing at the base of the mountain.
I was asked what my motivation was. I spent a few days thinking about my drive. The very simple answer is. Love.
Love for myself, love for my life, love for my family, my son, for my friends. Love is the strongest push we will ever experience. It's my drive for all that I do.
I will not give up, I know my biggest obstacle will be myself, and the biggest fight and battle we will have in our lives is always against ourselves. I know that I can, and I know that I will because there isn't another choice.
I was lucky enough to spend extra time with Jack this week. It's been perfect. My heart aches watching him grow, even more so that there's nothing I can do to control how fast its all happening. I sit and look at him knowing these days will just be pictures I look back on. I'll sit with tear filled eyes wishing he was small again. Then I realized, I'm living in those picture now. I'm living in those future memories every day. Instead of worrying of when I'll be sitting down looking at the pictures but enjoying living in the pictures as long as I can.
Life is fast, but I don't need to tell you that. You already know. Sometimes I just stop and think, how did I get here? How much as changed...everything has and everything does.
The days never seem long enough, and a year is some chump change. I think I'm going to lose the virtue in time and just live. I spend so much wasted energy worrying about running out time. If I stopped believing in time then I would never run out of it right?
In a perfect world.
I'm a helpless lost soul wandering down
a long gravel path I stumbled upon.
I use to hide in the darkness wising on stars
now that I've felt the sun, I'm going far
I've been broken and tossed aside
but that's not going to happen this time
I've built myself up and put back the pieces
better than before, time has a way or erasing
the scars will honor my reflection
I will spit out the hate that life tries to infect in us.
I use to be broken and my mind off track
lost in the middle and no where to turn back
but I've found my vision and understand where I need to go
I'll get there when I'm ready nice and slow
It's all up to me.
I use to paint the sky with fallen showers of diamonds
that felt unpretty next to the glittering sky
I use to sit in that position tearing up myself wondering why
I never felt a place to blend in.
To be apart of it
It took many years before my heart knew
I wasn't born to be apart of the crews
I'm more than a shadow following along the pavement
I'm more than a quiet footstep against the cement
I'm a tall oak tree reaching for the sun
I'm learning to love the human I've become.
Live Freely,
Jenny
Monday, March 12, 2018
I promise, I see you/ Dear Jack
Just another one of those days where I'm overthinking everything.
As I sat down to eat lunch with Jack, listening to some beautiful Irish music, and the steady hum of the washing machine rumbling in the laundry closet....I enjoyed the solitude that that the hour gave me.
Watching Jack enjoy his white cheddar covered shells and peas as I enjoyed the same, I thought about our upcoming Culture night. We picked Ireland for St. Patrick's day. Thinking of the corned beef and cabbage and red potatoes, trying to think of what side and dessert that would be fun to make to go along it. Excited about the books I have to share with those coming, of fun facts, fun wit and wisdom, and classic fairytales we could read to the kids as the evening will settle down for the night.
I got to thinking of all the people I've come to meet in my life. Whether it was for a split second, a quick smile as we passed one another in the market, people I know quite well, or people I've known my entire life but truly don't know.
I'm always thinking about what I can do to make the world a better place, where can I stare, how can I succeed. I think of all the things people can miss out on, on the things that I can miss out on. All of these deep thoughts swirling in my brain causing an ache in my heart. A sadness that consumes me.
I look at my son, my beautiful sweet boy. I can start with him. I can play my role as a mother and do all that I can to make sure I bring into this world a human that has love and kindness in his heart. I will teach him to project the love and passionate stems of him soul and give it to the world. It's not always what I can do to change the world, but what I can teach to help change the world.
To my son, My sweet amazing beautiful boy.
This world isn't always black and white. In fact there are more shades of grey than you'll be able to see more you'll be able to understand. Don't waste time or energy trying to get to the bottom of it all. Some things in life aren't meant to be understood rather than to be accepted. I hope by the time you face these lines and shades I've raised you strong enough to determine what is meant to be investigated and what is meant to be accepted. I hope that by the time you come to a crossroad you feel I have given you enough courage to choose a path and whatever may come during that path you are able to take it on with love in your heart, wisdom in your brain and the courage and confidence in your soul to keep going and succeed. I hope I have shown you a love so great that you pass it on to others. Give love and kindness even to those who do not show you the same compassion, but even in your kindness you will fight and defend yourself to the greatest means that you are capable of. Never be a doormat for anyone. Know your worth, know yourself, and know when you are capable of better things. Respect Women, and Men. For we are equal and no gender is better than the other. Learn something new at every chance that you can. Grow as a person far after your body grows. Sing, keep a journal, draw. Allow the fire in your body and mind escape. You are strong, and greater than any mountain. You are brighter and more stunning than any reign of stars. You are the moon and you are the sun, and the sky is yours. I hope even long after I'm gone that you can still feel my love burning bright inside of you. You hear my words of encouragement and grace. Sweet boy your heart will break, you'll be exposed to things I wish I could shield you from. People will be kind to you, people will be cruel and I pray that at the end of it all you will know that you are better, and what people think of you will never EVER define you. It's how you see yourself that matters, its who YOU are and want to be that will define your legacy. Always remember you're kind and loved beyond all the greatest wonders of the world. To us, you are the greatest wonder in life.
It's hard to be consumed of thoughts, I'm grateful that my mind is always curious and deepening as I grow. Sometimes its exhausting to be consistently writing with my brain, and frustrating that I don't always carry a pen and paper with me to catch every single one of them. All that matters is that I'm carrying on and doing the best I can. Changing the world with the most powerful weapon...my ability to mother, and parent. What I brought into the world is so much bigger than my dreams of a writer, but its in the form of my parenting. I can teach my son to be so much better than myself and the people that pollute hate into this Earth. I pray that one day the world will be in a much better state, but honestly with the rate that we are going, its only going to get worse. I need to prepare my son to be strong and smart but also able to be loving and kind and bring that back into the world.
I wish I could bring back someone from a hundred years ago, and show them the state of our world now. Show them some of the brilliant inventions and discoveries that have been made, some of the extraordinary things that have happened, but to also show them how discrimination and prejudice is still quite alive and people are still fighting for rights. How hateful some people still are and make sure to point out how beautiful some are.
To you, person reading this, you may be here out of your own curious mind to see what I could possibly be writing about. Or maybe you're bored looking for something to waste a few minutes. Or perhaps...you're fighting some kind of battle, and feeling a little lost.
I see you, and just know it will get better. Somehow in some way it will all sort out and you'll be able to breathe, you'll be able to get back on that path you were meant to follow. Keep fighting a day at a time and eventually it will all get back on track. Even when you feel small, and invisible, just know I see you, and I'm rooting for you.
Live Freely, Jenny.
When the sun doesn't want to rise
and the darkness settles in for a longer visit
The pit of your stomach twists in knots
You want to keep moving, lord knows you've tried
Its hard to keep getting back up
after a hundred punches
It can be difficult to see pass the water in your eyes
when you've been laying in your own rut
The sun will never forget you
Soon the clouds will part
warmth will come back to you
and you'll flourish bravely in an empty meadow
It's you that everyone will see.
Weak and small
want to be left alone
just a little fly on the wall
Voice so tiny, you're barely a whisper
A tiny burden no more than a sliver
but you're wrong
I see you and you've been heard. .
As I sat down to eat lunch with Jack, listening to some beautiful Irish music, and the steady hum of the washing machine rumbling in the laundry closet....I enjoyed the solitude that that the hour gave me.
Watching Jack enjoy his white cheddar covered shells and peas as I enjoyed the same, I thought about our upcoming Culture night. We picked Ireland for St. Patrick's day. Thinking of the corned beef and cabbage and red potatoes, trying to think of what side and dessert that would be fun to make to go along it. Excited about the books I have to share with those coming, of fun facts, fun wit and wisdom, and classic fairytales we could read to the kids as the evening will settle down for the night.
I got to thinking of all the people I've come to meet in my life. Whether it was for a split second, a quick smile as we passed one another in the market, people I know quite well, or people I've known my entire life but truly don't know.
I'm always thinking about what I can do to make the world a better place, where can I stare, how can I succeed. I think of all the things people can miss out on, on the things that I can miss out on. All of these deep thoughts swirling in my brain causing an ache in my heart. A sadness that consumes me.
I look at my son, my beautiful sweet boy. I can start with him. I can play my role as a mother and do all that I can to make sure I bring into this world a human that has love and kindness in his heart. I will teach him to project the love and passionate stems of him soul and give it to the world. It's not always what I can do to change the world, but what I can teach to help change the world.
To my son, My sweet amazing beautiful boy.
This world isn't always black and white. In fact there are more shades of grey than you'll be able to see more you'll be able to understand. Don't waste time or energy trying to get to the bottom of it all. Some things in life aren't meant to be understood rather than to be accepted. I hope by the time you face these lines and shades I've raised you strong enough to determine what is meant to be investigated and what is meant to be accepted. I hope that by the time you come to a crossroad you feel I have given you enough courage to choose a path and whatever may come during that path you are able to take it on with love in your heart, wisdom in your brain and the courage and confidence in your soul to keep going and succeed. I hope I have shown you a love so great that you pass it on to others. Give love and kindness even to those who do not show you the same compassion, but even in your kindness you will fight and defend yourself to the greatest means that you are capable of. Never be a doormat for anyone. Know your worth, know yourself, and know when you are capable of better things. Respect Women, and Men. For we are equal and no gender is better than the other. Learn something new at every chance that you can. Grow as a person far after your body grows. Sing, keep a journal, draw. Allow the fire in your body and mind escape. You are strong, and greater than any mountain. You are brighter and more stunning than any reign of stars. You are the moon and you are the sun, and the sky is yours. I hope even long after I'm gone that you can still feel my love burning bright inside of you. You hear my words of encouragement and grace. Sweet boy your heart will break, you'll be exposed to things I wish I could shield you from. People will be kind to you, people will be cruel and I pray that at the end of it all you will know that you are better, and what people think of you will never EVER define you. It's how you see yourself that matters, its who YOU are and want to be that will define your legacy. Always remember you're kind and loved beyond all the greatest wonders of the world. To us, you are the greatest wonder in life.
It's hard to be consumed of thoughts, I'm grateful that my mind is always curious and deepening as I grow. Sometimes its exhausting to be consistently writing with my brain, and frustrating that I don't always carry a pen and paper with me to catch every single one of them. All that matters is that I'm carrying on and doing the best I can. Changing the world with the most powerful weapon...my ability to mother, and parent. What I brought into the world is so much bigger than my dreams of a writer, but its in the form of my parenting. I can teach my son to be so much better than myself and the people that pollute hate into this Earth. I pray that one day the world will be in a much better state, but honestly with the rate that we are going, its only going to get worse. I need to prepare my son to be strong and smart but also able to be loving and kind and bring that back into the world.
I wish I could bring back someone from a hundred years ago, and show them the state of our world now. Show them some of the brilliant inventions and discoveries that have been made, some of the extraordinary things that have happened, but to also show them how discrimination and prejudice is still quite alive and people are still fighting for rights. How hateful some people still are and make sure to point out how beautiful some are.
To you, person reading this, you may be here out of your own curious mind to see what I could possibly be writing about. Or maybe you're bored looking for something to waste a few minutes. Or perhaps...you're fighting some kind of battle, and feeling a little lost.
I see you, and just know it will get better. Somehow in some way it will all sort out and you'll be able to breathe, you'll be able to get back on that path you were meant to follow. Keep fighting a day at a time and eventually it will all get back on track. Even when you feel small, and invisible, just know I see you, and I'm rooting for you.
Live Freely, Jenny.
When the sun doesn't want to rise
and the darkness settles in for a longer visit
The pit of your stomach twists in knots
You want to keep moving, lord knows you've tried
Its hard to keep getting back up
after a hundred punches
It can be difficult to see pass the water in your eyes
when you've been laying in your own rut
The sun will never forget you
Soon the clouds will part
warmth will come back to you
and you'll flourish bravely in an empty meadow
It's you that everyone will see.
Weak and small
want to be left alone
just a little fly on the wall
Voice so tiny, you're barely a whisper
A tiny burden no more than a sliver
but you're wrong
I see you and you've been heard. .
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
untitled.
Its just been one of those days, that's lasted all week. I feel I have no patience, and I'm just not doing the best that I could be doing.
Its hard when the night falls and I think back at the day knowing I could do better and I could be better.
I just keep telling myself Tomorrow is a new day to start over, to be better.
Tomorrow I truly intend to do so. There's so much I want to accomplish and so much I feel that I don't get done that it drives me crazy.
I'm so tired that my head just is in overdrive. I just have a picture of myself and I'm not doing what I can to fill that image.
I forget that I'm just a humble human and its okay to fail, okay to not be where I think I need to be, its that fact that I keep trying each and every day that matters.
Tomorrow is my last work day of the week. Tomorrow I plan to work hard on myself, and the love I give out. Just to sit back and enjoy where I am now and not worry too much about tomorrow. It's just a day that means the world to me and I need to live each day that way.
I'm excited to spend time with Jack, I sit and worry at the end of each day if I'm doing enough, loving enough, providing enough for him. It consumes me this motherhood thing. It's the greatest role I've ever been given and I intend to live in the greatest light of it. It passes by quickly and I'm so terrified of missing single moment of it, no matter how physically and emotionally tired I am.
My goal over the weekend is nothing. Just to sit back laugh, play, kiss,and cuddle my son. There's no greater way to spend my life while I still have his little hand that wants to hold mine.
Life is going to happen whether I'm ready or not. I'll have bad days where I'm not doing my best, not being my best. But understanding those days and myself I can help make the change that I need in order to make sure I'm always my best version.
Tomorrow is my day to remember that. Tomorrow is my start to just let little things go and to relax and just enjoy everything thrown at me. Whether its work. friendships, relationships, motherhood, wife hood, all of it.
Just enjoy.
Its hard when the night falls and I think back at the day knowing I could do better and I could be better.
I just keep telling myself Tomorrow is a new day to start over, to be better.
Tomorrow I truly intend to do so. There's so much I want to accomplish and so much I feel that I don't get done that it drives me crazy.
I'm so tired that my head just is in overdrive. I just have a picture of myself and I'm not doing what I can to fill that image.
I forget that I'm just a humble human and its okay to fail, okay to not be where I think I need to be, its that fact that I keep trying each and every day that matters.
Tomorrow is my last work day of the week. Tomorrow I plan to work hard on myself, and the love I give out. Just to sit back and enjoy where I am now and not worry too much about tomorrow. It's just a day that means the world to me and I need to live each day that way.
I'm excited to spend time with Jack, I sit and worry at the end of each day if I'm doing enough, loving enough, providing enough for him. It consumes me this motherhood thing. It's the greatest role I've ever been given and I intend to live in the greatest light of it. It passes by quickly and I'm so terrified of missing single moment of it, no matter how physically and emotionally tired I am.
My goal over the weekend is nothing. Just to sit back laugh, play, kiss,and cuddle my son. There's no greater way to spend my life while I still have his little hand that wants to hold mine.
Life is going to happen whether I'm ready or not. I'll have bad days where I'm not doing my best, not being my best. But understanding those days and myself I can help make the change that I need in order to make sure I'm always my best version.
Tomorrow is my day to remember that. Tomorrow is my start to just let little things go and to relax and just enjoy everything thrown at me. Whether its work. friendships, relationships, motherhood, wife hood, all of it.
Just enjoy.
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Home Sweet Home
The older I get, the more and more I start appreciate the concept of home, and the love I have within family and friends.
I'm not even old yet, and I sometimes feel that I should be living younger. I've never been the one to enjoy the bars, or drinking, or the party scene.
I'm not sorry that I missed out on that life. I'm not sorry that I spent the majority of my twenties laughing under a shelter of trees in a park with friends. Enjoying the breeze through the window with loud music cruising through the country side. I made memories that will leave a lasting imprint on my heart and not on my liver.
I lived greater and in a depth that many people will never get a taste off. Sometimes you don't see how much has happened or how much as changed until you sit back many many years from that. Then you see the treasure of it all, the love in every memory, and the joy the memories still bring to you. The summers that still make you smile and feel young when you think back. I lived, oh I did, and I still am.
At the end of the day, I can't wait to get home. To be in the place that makes me feel safe and warm, with the people I love. I can't wait for summer Sundays, and have picnics with my mom, dad, sister, brother, Erik, and Jack.
There's no other way I'd rather spend then at home. Around my people, with a good book, or writing. I appreciate the simple things about it all.
My memories are vomit covered mornings with a throbbing head, but waking up still laughing and missing the days of the old.
These are my walls. and I love them. It doesn't matter if you live in a castle, a cottage, a flat, a house, an apartment, or a shack. Walls can become yours. Life doesn't move around where you live but how you live. Sometimes I forget that and I become hard on myself, but I'm slowly growing to understand. I'm slowly gaining a perspective that is altering the way I see life. I'm liking the way everything is unfolding. It's freezing rain, so its a good excuse to have some tea and family time. Jack is learning so much. I look at him amazed that he can do all of these things. How much he has picked up on. Its hard to see him so grown when he was just this little helpless thing.
It all goes by so fast. My heart is truly can't handle it. I wish I could keep him this way forever. How do parents cope with their children growing.
It's such a responsibility trying to make sure you're doing everything you can to not only teach them all they need to know, to teach them to grow, but to be a good person on top of it. I hope when I leave this world, Jack will hold onto my words, and feel my love on a rainy day, in the breeze, in the stars.
Life hurts to live, its painful and bittersweet, but so beautiful. So surreal. Sometimes it all feels like a long dream that I'm begging to never wake up from. I just want to live in this love
Well, my husband keeps coming into the room and interrupting me and that drives me nuts so I'll end this year.
Happy Rainy Saturday. Love each other and smile at every chance
until the sun burns out.
I'm not even old yet, and I sometimes feel that I should be living younger. I've never been the one to enjoy the bars, or drinking, or the party scene.
I'm not sorry that I missed out on that life. I'm not sorry that I spent the majority of my twenties laughing under a shelter of trees in a park with friends. Enjoying the breeze through the window with loud music cruising through the country side. I made memories that will leave a lasting imprint on my heart and not on my liver.
I lived greater and in a depth that many people will never get a taste off. Sometimes you don't see how much has happened or how much as changed until you sit back many many years from that. Then you see the treasure of it all, the love in every memory, and the joy the memories still bring to you. The summers that still make you smile and feel young when you think back. I lived, oh I did, and I still am.
At the end of the day, I can't wait to get home. To be in the place that makes me feel safe and warm, with the people I love. I can't wait for summer Sundays, and have picnics with my mom, dad, sister, brother, Erik, and Jack.
There's no other way I'd rather spend then at home. Around my people, with a good book, or writing. I appreciate the simple things about it all.
My memories are vomit covered mornings with a throbbing head, but waking up still laughing and missing the days of the old.
These are my walls. and I love them. It doesn't matter if you live in a castle, a cottage, a flat, a house, an apartment, or a shack. Walls can become yours. Life doesn't move around where you live but how you live. Sometimes I forget that and I become hard on myself, but I'm slowly growing to understand. I'm slowly gaining a perspective that is altering the way I see life. I'm liking the way everything is unfolding. It's freezing rain, so its a good excuse to have some tea and family time. Jack is learning so much. I look at him amazed that he can do all of these things. How much he has picked up on. Its hard to see him so grown when he was just this little helpless thing.
It all goes by so fast. My heart is truly can't handle it. I wish I could keep him this way forever. How do parents cope with their children growing.
It's such a responsibility trying to make sure you're doing everything you can to not only teach them all they need to know, to teach them to grow, but to be a good person on top of it. I hope when I leave this world, Jack will hold onto my words, and feel my love on a rainy day, in the breeze, in the stars.
Life hurts to live, its painful and bittersweet, but so beautiful. So surreal. Sometimes it all feels like a long dream that I'm begging to never wake up from. I just want to live in this love
Well, my husband keeps coming into the room and interrupting me and that drives me nuts so I'll end this year.
Happy Rainy Saturday. Love each other and smile at every chance
until the sun burns out.
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Florida.
I needed a few days to truly digest the horrible, horrible circumstances that happened in Florida. I can't even begin to imagine the fear in those students, the wonder if they would ever see the sky again, see their family and friends, or lay their heads in their beds again. To be in the hands of someone else has to be the most surreal experience. To wait, to sit and wait while hearing gun shots growing nearer, and hearing those blood chilling screams of your peers echo through the halls. I simply cannot imagine the haunting flashes that live with each and every student that had to experience that day.
My thoughts and love and prayers go to every single person affected in that tragic moment. I know it doesn't do much to change the world but it's what I have now.
I also feel sorry for the shooter, before you get butt hurt hear me out. I feel sad, that this young man thought that was a good idea. That hurting people would somehow make him feel better. Think about how rotten he must of felt, or the pain from suffering from mental illness. Whatever ailed him, had gotten to the point where hurting others was the best though the had. To think of how dark and sad his mind and heart had been, its sad that anyone has to live like that. I hope he gets the punishment he deserves, and I hope he lives with the guilt and memories of that day until his very own last day. I also hope that the darkness that dwells inside turns to light and he can somehow find a way to shed good into the world before he leaves.
No matter how strict you make gun laws, there will be people who won't follow the law. People will still get their hands on guns. You're yelling over nothing. There are other issues that can be address to try to change the amount of shootings that are happening, especially in schools. I know some people don't follow the law, weird right?
There needs to be more resources available and affordable for people who suffer from mental illness. Make medical attention accessible for everyone. Even with insurance seeking professional medical help is outrageously expensive. How are people suppose to get to help if they can't afford it, able to get to it. How?! We are failing as a country. We need to DO MORE to help people instead of making laws that people will just go around anyways.
In school, the amount of bullying is heartbreaking. What's more heartbreaking is the lack of effort made by schools to control the bullying. REACH OUT! you job in a school it so help those students. I don't care if you have given every effort you possibly can for that school, you reach out harder to make sure that every student is heard. My son is 1 so thankfully I haven't had to deal with bullying or school yet. I value education more than anything but I don't value these school systems. I want to home school but that's something my husband and I will discuss later down the road. These teachers forget that they have more than just a job, they have a responsibility and such an important role in these children's life. Do more to end bullying. When you say you'll take care of an issue, actually take care of it. I know the schools in my town could use a lot of work in making the school safe and comfortable for everyone. The amount of bullying and how far it exceeds in inappropriate behavior is beyond concerning.
Parents listen to your kids, talk to them... it may not change what could happen ,but you never know. Everyone deserves to be heard. Let's promote love.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified to send Jack to school one day. How will I know he will be safe? How do I know the school will do their part. We just don't.
My heart is sad, and afraid. Will it ever get better?
I still remember being 9 years old and watching NickNews (News channel for children on Nickelodeon.) I remember watching about the Columbine Shooting. I was only 8 when it happened and all I could remember is not understanding why. Those things never happened and probably would never happen. I was wrong, so entirely wrong, but I'm still not understanding why. 2 months after Erik and I got married. We got up early and got dressed to head to Madison to do some shopping for Christmas. The news stopped us as we watched the news on Sandy Hook. We didn't have children then but I remember both us tearing up. How awful, how terrible, how and why? I still tear up when I think about Sandy Hook. Florida, 17 people who will never see another tomorrow, listen to the radio on their way home, hug their loved ones, feel the sun, go the beach, so many things that make up life they will never get to do.
You just never know when you'll leave this Earth.
My thoughts and love and prayers go to every single person affected in that tragic moment. I know it doesn't do much to change the world but it's what I have now.
I also feel sorry for the shooter, before you get butt hurt hear me out. I feel sad, that this young man thought that was a good idea. That hurting people would somehow make him feel better. Think about how rotten he must of felt, or the pain from suffering from mental illness. Whatever ailed him, had gotten to the point where hurting others was the best though the had. To think of how dark and sad his mind and heart had been, its sad that anyone has to live like that. I hope he gets the punishment he deserves, and I hope he lives with the guilt and memories of that day until his very own last day. I also hope that the darkness that dwells inside turns to light and he can somehow find a way to shed good into the world before he leaves.
No matter how strict you make gun laws, there will be people who won't follow the law. People will still get their hands on guns. You're yelling over nothing. There are other issues that can be address to try to change the amount of shootings that are happening, especially in schools. I know some people don't follow the law, weird right?
There needs to be more resources available and affordable for people who suffer from mental illness. Make medical attention accessible for everyone. Even with insurance seeking professional medical help is outrageously expensive. How are people suppose to get to help if they can't afford it, able to get to it. How?! We are failing as a country. We need to DO MORE to help people instead of making laws that people will just go around anyways.
In school, the amount of bullying is heartbreaking. What's more heartbreaking is the lack of effort made by schools to control the bullying. REACH OUT! you job in a school it so help those students. I don't care if you have given every effort you possibly can for that school, you reach out harder to make sure that every student is heard. My son is 1 so thankfully I haven't had to deal with bullying or school yet. I value education more than anything but I don't value these school systems. I want to home school but that's something my husband and I will discuss later down the road. These teachers forget that they have more than just a job, they have a responsibility and such an important role in these children's life. Do more to end bullying. When you say you'll take care of an issue, actually take care of it. I know the schools in my town could use a lot of work in making the school safe and comfortable for everyone. The amount of bullying and how far it exceeds in inappropriate behavior is beyond concerning.
Parents listen to your kids, talk to them... it may not change what could happen ,but you never know. Everyone deserves to be heard. Let's promote love.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified to send Jack to school one day. How will I know he will be safe? How do I know the school will do their part. We just don't.
My heart is sad, and afraid. Will it ever get better?
I still remember being 9 years old and watching NickNews (News channel for children on Nickelodeon.) I remember watching about the Columbine Shooting. I was only 8 when it happened and all I could remember is not understanding why. Those things never happened and probably would never happen. I was wrong, so entirely wrong, but I'm still not understanding why. 2 months after Erik and I got married. We got up early and got dressed to head to Madison to do some shopping for Christmas. The news stopped us as we watched the news on Sandy Hook. We didn't have children then but I remember both us tearing up. How awful, how terrible, how and why? I still tear up when I think about Sandy Hook. Florida, 17 people who will never see another tomorrow, listen to the radio on their way home, hug their loved ones, feel the sun, go the beach, so many things that make up life they will never get to do.
You just never know when you'll leave this Earth.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Thankful.
Sometimes, It takes looking through the looking glass of someone else life to make you realize how amazing you have it.
Seeing, and trying to gain a perspective in the eyes of another can be difficult. The really cool thing about being human is our minds. They're all so different and captivate so many different ideals and views. There's no lines and limits to how different we all from each other.....
Yet, sometimes we fight the same battles. Life happens to all of our. Every single one of us steps into battles with different fighting strategies,different perspectives on how to make in through in one piece. Do we every come out in one piece though? Well, we sure do try like hell anyways.
Today, as my husband and son nap before we head out to see our family, and I realize I'm beyond blessed to say my husband, and my son. I was strolling through the dimensions of the web and social medias. I glanced into a life of a person I know, and my heart went into this somber ache.
Through what I viewed, I felt the pain that conquers over her, the stain of heartbreak that only floods into everything she touches, and dreams of. I felt the struggle, the tears, and screams.
I hear you.
And, I'm sorry that this life couldn't be kinder to you, couldn't give you a better chance. But, even so....I'm still rooting for you.
I don't know this person well enough to reach out, even though I've known then since middle school if not longer. Strange how that is isn't? Knowing so many people, but know nothing about them other than the sneak peaks they allow us to take in through social media....Sometimes you can know so many intimate things about a person and never have met them. You see, how our culture works is so peculiar and backwards.
As I sit here, trying to shake off the cloud of darkness that has broke itself into my home, I can't help but continue to think for this person. Wishing that that light and love would enter their home and help them. It had encouraged me to be more thankful, and to consider other perspectives.
I have so much in my life that I sometimes take for granted and, I feel most of us do. It doesn't make us shitty humans but that's just it. We're human. We are built on flaws. We create more flaws, it just what we do.
I'm incredibly lucky to be able to call myself a mother. I felt my son grow inside of me. I felt him move and kick. I knew he was safe and healthy. Now, I can hold him in my arms, kiss his sweet face and tickle his tiny toes.
Not every woman gets to feel that, experience that. It's heartbreaking. Women who want so desperately to be mothers and never get that chance, while women who make terrible mothers pop them out like a gumball machine, its not fair.
I'm so thankful that I have this beautiful boy in my life. The time is going by so quickly that I often spend too much time worrying about how fast its going, and how much I'll miss these days rather than enjoying it. What sense does that make!? Why can't I ever make sense? Simple answer of course, because I'm human and we aren't programmed to make sense.
Today when I play with Jack and love him to the moon and around the planets a million times and back, I'll be even more grateful that I was given the chance at motherhood. To feel that love of this tiny person that literally makes you forget to breathe. The love so powerful it can stop your heart entirely. The greatest and more tender love it melts me body and soul. Not only will I take in every beating minute with gratitude and patience, but I will appreciate it.
Not only was I blessed at motherhood, but to have such an inspiring, clever, loving, sweet, and beautiful boy, well how did I ever get so lucky.
Will I have more children???? I sure hope so. But its is guaranteed? Our bodies are a wondrous thing, and tend to make up their own ways. I do pray to whatever great spirits or gods live in the heavens that we are able to add more to our family but I've been blessed so much already it almost wouldn't seem fair to hog another blessing. Here's to more love, and life, and the people that make us want to wake up every morning. Here's to taking a moment of your time and trying to see the life of another through their eyes, here's to more Wineke babies someday or maybe not. Here's to you and me and this beautiful Sunday.
Live Freely friends,
Jenny
Seeing, and trying to gain a perspective in the eyes of another can be difficult. The really cool thing about being human is our minds. They're all so different and captivate so many different ideals and views. There's no lines and limits to how different we all from each other.....
Yet, sometimes we fight the same battles. Life happens to all of our. Every single one of us steps into battles with different fighting strategies,different perspectives on how to make in through in one piece. Do we every come out in one piece though? Well, we sure do try like hell anyways.
Today, as my husband and son nap before we head out to see our family, and I realize I'm beyond blessed to say my husband, and my son. I was strolling through the dimensions of the web and social medias. I glanced into a life of a person I know, and my heart went into this somber ache.
Through what I viewed, I felt the pain that conquers over her, the stain of heartbreak that only floods into everything she touches, and dreams of. I felt the struggle, the tears, and screams.
I hear you.
And, I'm sorry that this life couldn't be kinder to you, couldn't give you a better chance. But, even so....I'm still rooting for you.
I don't know this person well enough to reach out, even though I've known then since middle school if not longer. Strange how that is isn't? Knowing so many people, but know nothing about them other than the sneak peaks they allow us to take in through social media....Sometimes you can know so many intimate things about a person and never have met them. You see, how our culture works is so peculiar and backwards.
As I sit here, trying to shake off the cloud of darkness that has broke itself into my home, I can't help but continue to think for this person. Wishing that that light and love would enter their home and help them. It had encouraged me to be more thankful, and to consider other perspectives.
I have so much in my life that I sometimes take for granted and, I feel most of us do. It doesn't make us shitty humans but that's just it. We're human. We are built on flaws. We create more flaws, it just what we do.
I'm incredibly lucky to be able to call myself a mother. I felt my son grow inside of me. I felt him move and kick. I knew he was safe and healthy. Now, I can hold him in my arms, kiss his sweet face and tickle his tiny toes.
Not every woman gets to feel that, experience that. It's heartbreaking. Women who want so desperately to be mothers and never get that chance, while women who make terrible mothers pop them out like a gumball machine, its not fair.
I'm so thankful that I have this beautiful boy in my life. The time is going by so quickly that I often spend too much time worrying about how fast its going, and how much I'll miss these days rather than enjoying it. What sense does that make!? Why can't I ever make sense? Simple answer of course, because I'm human and we aren't programmed to make sense.
Today when I play with Jack and love him to the moon and around the planets a million times and back, I'll be even more grateful that I was given the chance at motherhood. To feel that love of this tiny person that literally makes you forget to breathe. The love so powerful it can stop your heart entirely. The greatest and more tender love it melts me body and soul. Not only will I take in every beating minute with gratitude and patience, but I will appreciate it.
Not only was I blessed at motherhood, but to have such an inspiring, clever, loving, sweet, and beautiful boy, well how did I ever get so lucky.
Will I have more children???? I sure hope so. But its is guaranteed? Our bodies are a wondrous thing, and tend to make up their own ways. I do pray to whatever great spirits or gods live in the heavens that we are able to add more to our family but I've been blessed so much already it almost wouldn't seem fair to hog another blessing. Here's to more love, and life, and the people that make us want to wake up every morning. Here's to taking a moment of your time and trying to see the life of another through their eyes, here's to more Wineke babies someday or maybe not. Here's to you and me and this beautiful Sunday.
Live Freely friends,
Jenny
Friday, February 9, 2018
Wild flame, calm night.
I love when the sky is dark. The shades of royal blue blending in the sky, as the slight hue of gold and orange peak from the undertones as the sun sings us its lullaby. How sweetly peaceful the world happens to be at dusk. The birds settle, traffic gets less obnoxious, and families all gathered together in the warmth and love of their homes. Well, those fortunate enough to have a home that is.
Sometimes, when I'm enjoying my few moments of silence...embracing my life and loving the way it flows together, I worry about all those who are less fortunate than I. So here I say, I hope those who are cold, find warmth. Those who are hungry, find food, and those who are thirsty, find water. Which brings me to the phantom thoughts that silently haunt me. Not too loud to distract me from my life, but once in a while poke through loud enough to cause me to lose my footing.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm not working enough, I'm not cleaning enough, writing enough, doing anything enough. All that consumes me, it trying to create this perfect life for Jack. It dwells deep into my soul the worry of not giving him all that I feel he deserves.
I don't own a house, all I want is for him to have a place that is home. That he can crawl at bed at night one and feel safe, and loved. Then I realize....he already has that. Sure, one day we will move into a house that is ours, but why teach my son that materials or places define happiness, comfort, and love. Love is where your heart is, where you feel love, where you know you are safe. In this home we already have all of those things. I'm not financial stable. I don't have tens of thousands in the bank, but my bills are paid, there's food in my kitchen, electricity, running water, and love. What else do I really need? I may not be where I thought I was going to be, or where other people my age are...but, I'm learning I'm right where I need to be. And where I am,isn't where I'll be forever. That's the great thing about life.
It's unpredictable, and always changing.
Life keeps going even when you feel you need to sit a minute and take a break. Someday I'll be farther along. As long as I have my family, my few good friends, love in my heart passion in my blood and dreams in my mind. I'm exactly where I need to be. Where I want to be.
I'm too hard on myself. The pressure I put on myself is outrageous. The only person I'm trying to race or beat is truly myself. Why do I continue to rush myself, life is beautiful and if waste too much time trying to catch up to everyone else, well I'll be missing on the moments that will make up the most precious and amazing aspects of life.
I may not have my shit together, but how interesting would I be if I did? Probably not even a tad bit. Struggle, keeps things interesting.
So if you're struggling, and things are getting bit to heavy for you to dwell with, getting hard to sleep at night. Just smile and know you're not alone, and no matter what life throws at you, you're loved, and you matter.
YOU MATTER.
The night sky has completely conquered the light. It's beautiful in the mysterious black velvet that sweeps over the sky. Soon little diamonds will glittered the sky, dreamers will make wishes, and desperate hearts will make deals. There's beauty in darkness, sometimes its hard to remember. My little town is quiet as people end their days. Or maybe some just getting read to venture out. All the same. The silence is calming, yet again silence can be too loud as well.
I'm excited to spend some time working on my book this evening. I'm thankful that I found something that fuels my passion. I hope you find your passion.
Whatever your passion is...unless its killing people or animals, don't do that.
Much love, love to you, Jenny
Latest poetry
Carry on-
Sometimes I forget to keep my eye on the ball
Sometimes I lose my balance and I fall
It's not about the drop how hard you hit the ground
Sometimes, I forget that I can, and I will
It's not hard if you let it all
Carry on
Keep your back straight
Head held up high
young dreamer with their head in the sky
Keep your heart light
Keep your grip tight
Young dreamer with their head in the sky
Once in a while I forget who Iam
Where I'm going, or where I've been
but I always remember the way the sky looked
I always remember the way the sky looked.
Sometimes, when I'm enjoying my few moments of silence...embracing my life and loving the way it flows together, I worry about all those who are less fortunate than I. So here I say, I hope those who are cold, find warmth. Those who are hungry, find food, and those who are thirsty, find water. Which brings me to the phantom thoughts that silently haunt me. Not too loud to distract me from my life, but once in a while poke through loud enough to cause me to lose my footing.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm not working enough, I'm not cleaning enough, writing enough, doing anything enough. All that consumes me, it trying to create this perfect life for Jack. It dwells deep into my soul the worry of not giving him all that I feel he deserves.
I don't own a house, all I want is for him to have a place that is home. That he can crawl at bed at night one and feel safe, and loved. Then I realize....he already has that. Sure, one day we will move into a house that is ours, but why teach my son that materials or places define happiness, comfort, and love. Love is where your heart is, where you feel love, where you know you are safe. In this home we already have all of those things. I'm not financial stable. I don't have tens of thousands in the bank, but my bills are paid, there's food in my kitchen, electricity, running water, and love. What else do I really need? I may not be where I thought I was going to be, or where other people my age are...but, I'm learning I'm right where I need to be. And where I am,isn't where I'll be forever. That's the great thing about life.
It's unpredictable, and always changing.
Life keeps going even when you feel you need to sit a minute and take a break. Someday I'll be farther along. As long as I have my family, my few good friends, love in my heart passion in my blood and dreams in my mind. I'm exactly where I need to be. Where I want to be.
I'm too hard on myself. The pressure I put on myself is outrageous. The only person I'm trying to race or beat is truly myself. Why do I continue to rush myself, life is beautiful and if waste too much time trying to catch up to everyone else, well I'll be missing on the moments that will make up the most precious and amazing aspects of life.
I may not have my shit together, but how interesting would I be if I did? Probably not even a tad bit. Struggle, keeps things interesting.
So if you're struggling, and things are getting bit to heavy for you to dwell with, getting hard to sleep at night. Just smile and know you're not alone, and no matter what life throws at you, you're loved, and you matter.
YOU MATTER.
The night sky has completely conquered the light. It's beautiful in the mysterious black velvet that sweeps over the sky. Soon little diamonds will glittered the sky, dreamers will make wishes, and desperate hearts will make deals. There's beauty in darkness, sometimes its hard to remember. My little town is quiet as people end their days. Or maybe some just getting read to venture out. All the same. The silence is calming, yet again silence can be too loud as well.
I'm excited to spend some time working on my book this evening. I'm thankful that I found something that fuels my passion. I hope you find your passion.
Whatever your passion is...unless its killing people or animals, don't do that.
Much love, love to you, Jenny
Latest poetry
Carry on-
Sometimes I forget to keep my eye on the ball
Sometimes I lose my balance and I fall
It's not about the drop how hard you hit the ground
Sometimes, I forget that I can, and I will
It's not hard if you let it all
Carry on
Keep your back straight
Head held up high
young dreamer with their head in the sky
Keep your heart light
Keep your grip tight
Young dreamer with their head in the sky
Once in a while I forget who Iam
Where I'm going, or where I've been
but I always remember the way the sky looked
I always remember the way the sky looked.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
A tall bare tree.
Isn't strange to just sit and just think. To sit and just see, feel, and hear? There's so much surrounding us. There's just this chaotic train of emotions, and sensations that fill up all this space.
No space is empty.
I like the way the wind feels on my face. The fresh swept of purity that encircles me. Caressing me in the gentle secret of the mystery of life.
It's beautiful you know, the wind.
I appreciate the way the sun shines through the window, through the naked branches of the tree. So much love given in the warmth of its light.
The world lacks magic, there's no love for what isn't understood. Everyone (including myself. guilty as charged.) tries so hard to not believe in magic by debunking it all.
What if magic is really out there.
I'm talking the greater magic, not tricks and illusions that give your mind a tease and a chuckle.
but magic, as in the heat in your soul when its on fire, the life that swirls inside you flying free.
The tingle on your skin when you feel alive. when you feel free.
We get so busy looking for the facts and all the reasons to not believe in things extreme that we allow it all to slip by.
I just don't understand humans. You think I would have a clue being one myself, but I just don't get it.
I love love, and I love the love that's everywhere in the world.
I keep staring out the window at a tree with its long branches. Standing still and tall. I love the crooked bends and all the imperfections of its branches. It's beautiful. I aspire to be a tree. Sounded a bit on the hippie side but that's alright. I to, want to stand tall and proud in my infections. In my beauty enjoying the magic of the world.
I suppose I've been thinking about life. I'll be 29 years old this year. I don't feel like it. Honestly, I feel like that same 17 year old girl gearing up for turning 18. For adulthood. (are we really adults at 18?) That 17 year old girl who was terrified for not knowing who she was or where she wanted to go. Time as passed, and the years have changed. My life isn't the same as it was at 17 but even with all those year and all the millions of things that have shaped my life to what it is now, I still feel like that scared teenager unsure of how do approach life, how to handle it. It's a mysterious how I got here, the view is beautiful I must say. There's so much I'm thankful for, so much that made me realize just how strong I am. SO much that made me realize that I still have a lot of work ahead of me.
Its time to step away from the wall, step into the view. Today I'll share this with my social media page. I mean it. (Did I do it?) I've been wanting to do this for a year. What's holding me back? None of you don't worry, its all me.
That's what I've realized. All the goal and dreams that bounce wild in my heart and mind go tamed because I'm too afraid to do anything about, don't believe in myself enough to do it. I have tons of people in my life that believe in me but none of that will give me the push that I need, it's me. So here I am unveiled. I'm working hard on my second book. (I finished one it was rubbish.) I feel in order to consider myself an aspiring writer I need to allow people in.
Even if its just reading my thoughts, my poetry.
Hello
I'll end this with a little diddy.
It was just the other day,
when the sun spoke in that certain way
That got my skin itching for the fresh air
Get out and chase the sky the sun dared.
There's a song stuck in my bones
Over the world my feet will roam
Moving my body, shaking my feet
Somethings taking over me
There's love in my heart
It doesn't matter where I end, as long as I start
to live a little, laugh a little
sit down and take a breath once in a while
Lessons still left to learn
wisdom is a blessing you need to earn.
Break through the wall break through the chain
Don't just sit there, let's make a change
Know when to let go, know when to hold on
I've been right and I've been wrong
It was just the other day,
when the sun spoke in the certain way
that got my skin itching for the fresh air
Get out and chase the sky the sun dared.
No space is empty.
I like the way the wind feels on my face. The fresh swept of purity that encircles me. Caressing me in the gentle secret of the mystery of life.
It's beautiful you know, the wind.
I appreciate the way the sun shines through the window, through the naked branches of the tree. So much love given in the warmth of its light.
The world lacks magic, there's no love for what isn't understood. Everyone (including myself. guilty as charged.) tries so hard to not believe in magic by debunking it all.
What if magic is really out there.
I'm talking the greater magic, not tricks and illusions that give your mind a tease and a chuckle.
but magic, as in the heat in your soul when its on fire, the life that swirls inside you flying free.
The tingle on your skin when you feel alive. when you feel free.
We get so busy looking for the facts and all the reasons to not believe in things extreme that we allow it all to slip by.
I just don't understand humans. You think I would have a clue being one myself, but I just don't get it.
I love love, and I love the love that's everywhere in the world.
I keep staring out the window at a tree with its long branches. Standing still and tall. I love the crooked bends and all the imperfections of its branches. It's beautiful. I aspire to be a tree. Sounded a bit on the hippie side but that's alright. I to, want to stand tall and proud in my infections. In my beauty enjoying the magic of the world.
I suppose I've been thinking about life. I'll be 29 years old this year. I don't feel like it. Honestly, I feel like that same 17 year old girl gearing up for turning 18. For adulthood. (are we really adults at 18?) That 17 year old girl who was terrified for not knowing who she was or where she wanted to go. Time as passed, and the years have changed. My life isn't the same as it was at 17 but even with all those year and all the millions of things that have shaped my life to what it is now, I still feel like that scared teenager unsure of how do approach life, how to handle it. It's a mysterious how I got here, the view is beautiful I must say. There's so much I'm thankful for, so much that made me realize just how strong I am. SO much that made me realize that I still have a lot of work ahead of me.
Its time to step away from the wall, step into the view. Today I'll share this with my social media page. I mean it. (Did I do it?) I've been wanting to do this for a year. What's holding me back? None of you don't worry, its all me.
That's what I've realized. All the goal and dreams that bounce wild in my heart and mind go tamed because I'm too afraid to do anything about, don't believe in myself enough to do it. I have tons of people in my life that believe in me but none of that will give me the push that I need, it's me. So here I am unveiled. I'm working hard on my second book. (I finished one it was rubbish.) I feel in order to consider myself an aspiring writer I need to allow people in.
Even if its just reading my thoughts, my poetry.
Hello
I'll end this with a little diddy.
It was just the other day,
when the sun spoke in that certain way
That got my skin itching for the fresh air
Get out and chase the sky the sun dared.
There's a song stuck in my bones
Over the world my feet will roam
Moving my body, shaking my feet
Somethings taking over me
There's love in my heart
It doesn't matter where I end, as long as I start
to live a little, laugh a little
sit down and take a breath once in a while
Lessons still left to learn
wisdom is a blessing you need to earn.
Break through the wall break through the chain
Don't just sit there, let's make a change
Know when to let go, know when to hold on
I've been right and I've been wrong
It was just the other day,
when the sun spoke in the certain way
that got my skin itching for the fresh air
Get out and chase the sky the sun dared.
Monday, January 29, 2018
Young Blood
Here I sit in my office, enjoying my Monday. The sun is spilling its light through the window, splashing its warmth on the walls. I too can feel the warmth on my skin. A living glow that gentle touches my flesh. A reminder that there's a world outside these walls. It's alive, and it continues to grow each and every single day.
I think about life a lot. Who doesn't right? But, I feel I spend most of my brain power thinking about life. Worse things to linger of course. I spend so much energy trying to understand the power of life, the meaning of it all. The answers to every little question, and I've come to realize that not every question has an answer. I worry all the time about whether I'm doing life right. Then I take a look at the things that fill my life, that make my life mine. Yeah, I'm doing it right. Bigger dreams and goals to work on next.
I know everyone worries, and things far too deep into the meaning of life, their live, the meaning and purpose of it all. I can lecture myself to let it go, move on but I know myself better and realize this is who I am, this is my brain and this is how it works. Embrace it.
So that's what I'm doing about everything that comes into my little world, my little life. Embrace it. I can't change the world but, I can leave a mark. So can you and you and you. Now to think about what mark will I leave, what mark will you leave?
I have this light inside of me that's burning brighter than it has in so long. I'm alive, and my soul is on fire. I can feel the rush of passion and inspiration speed through my veins. I have a spark that energizes the hope, the need, the dedication to the person that I'm breaking out from the cage. It's beautiful. I'm free from myself and the sense of renewal, the sense of purity that tingles over me its the greatest sense of freedom I've experienced.
So I ask, when was the last time you felt free?
I'll end with a quick poem I'll write...
How far do you have to go
to be who you are, when will you know?
How close do you need to get to hell?
before you feel heaven, how can you tell?
I've been locked in a daydream
Forgiving myself for not believing
in better days.
It's been a wild ride
but with you by my side
I can travel through the thunder
Make light of the lightening
the storm won't seem to terrifying
when I'm on the side of living.
I've hid behind the curtains for too long
Dying to dance to the inspiring song
I'm breaking from the shy shadow
Here I am for all to follow.
Thanks for reading.
I think about life a lot. Who doesn't right? But, I feel I spend most of my brain power thinking about life. Worse things to linger of course. I spend so much energy trying to understand the power of life, the meaning of it all. The answers to every little question, and I've come to realize that not every question has an answer. I worry all the time about whether I'm doing life right. Then I take a look at the things that fill my life, that make my life mine. Yeah, I'm doing it right. Bigger dreams and goals to work on next.
I know everyone worries, and things far too deep into the meaning of life, their live, the meaning and purpose of it all. I can lecture myself to let it go, move on but I know myself better and realize this is who I am, this is my brain and this is how it works. Embrace it.
So that's what I'm doing about everything that comes into my little world, my little life. Embrace it. I can't change the world but, I can leave a mark. So can you and you and you. Now to think about what mark will I leave, what mark will you leave?
I have this light inside of me that's burning brighter than it has in so long. I'm alive, and my soul is on fire. I can feel the rush of passion and inspiration speed through my veins. I have a spark that energizes the hope, the need, the dedication to the person that I'm breaking out from the cage. It's beautiful. I'm free from myself and the sense of renewal, the sense of purity that tingles over me its the greatest sense of freedom I've experienced.
So I ask, when was the last time you felt free?
I'll end with a quick poem I'll write...
How far do you have to go
to be who you are, when will you know?
How close do you need to get to hell?
before you feel heaven, how can you tell?
I've been locked in a daydream
Forgiving myself for not believing
in better days.
It's been a wild ride
but with you by my side
I can travel through the thunder
Make light of the lightening
the storm won't seem to terrifying
when I'm on the side of living.
I've hid behind the curtains for too long
Dying to dance to the inspiring song
I'm breaking from the shy shadow
Here I am for all to follow.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Way past my bedtime but nothing interesting to read.
Hello friends, enemies, stalkers, and my biggest fans. All welcomed to read another blog of the mind of well...me. Welcome Welcome. Take your shoes off and get comfortable. Stay awhile.
It's a Tuesday night, and I guess in itself that's a pretty special thing. I mean when you think about it this will be the only Tuesday January 24, 2018 I'll ever have. That's something right.
It's all about perspective...I'm telling ya.
I think I'm really starting to become the person that I was meant to be. Honestly, people spend too much of their
To me that's the saddest thing that could ever happen.
It's easy to do, days just blur together. You do the same thing day after day after day after day, Its hard. Life is hard. I get it, you get it. So let's just stop worrying about what new laundry product you want to eat, or what brand of fake eyelashes you want to stick up your nose, or what color you want to dye your armpit air. Just be you.
It's something that I have struggled with for most of my life. Always hiding who I am, but why? I could never exactly answer that but I knew that I just needed to try to be a fly on the wall to just get by. But for WHY? That's why...its time to stop. So far in the new year, the whole 23(almost 24) days I've been soul searching more that I ever have. Because I matter. I'm important. and I deserve to be seen, and heard. I'm not who I want to be, and that's okay. I don't need to be Adele, that role is taken and she's doing a pretty nice job of doing so. (you go girl) but I'm being who I was meant to be. I'm learning my flaws learning my strengths. All good things and I know that one day I'll be glowing with confidence and nothing will be able to take that shine away. It's pretty possible to steal it now but hey I'm human, sometimes I just fall, and that's okay too.
I always knew that motherhood would change my life. I knew that my life would be more exhausting( I'm so tired...so so so tired.) Bottles, late nights, diapers, money that was spent on me goes to this little human. But, its so much more than that. Motherhood is rich with wisdom. Wisdom you never knew you had until it suddenly becomes this second nature. Motherhood taught me more about myself than anything before. Now, its not just about me. I can't just sit and allow myself to hide behind a mask or to think poorly of myself. I have to be an example. Motherhood is the stronger and most incredible muse that I have ever experience in all my life. My sweet boy is the greatest love that I've ever known. How did I get so lucky?
The world is full of spineless zombies who patrol the streets. Parading in their generic personalities by cutting throats with their sharp words and pistol ready judgments. By allowing them to have any effect we are handing over the power to them. Its time to stand up against those who pollute our world with hate and prejudice, let's love and spread the kindness. It's sad to me the amount of courage people have when they want to be cruel, why can't people have that courage when they want to be kind?
I'll be me and I'll go into this world knowing I was honest with myself, and I allowed my soul to be free. What clarity it brings to me, to have a free soul.
O'Captian my Captain.
-Jenny.
Piece of poetry I'm making up as I go since I didn't prepare for this blog.
In the shadows of the desperate
Prepare the flowers and the casket
the last honest soldiers are buried tonight
and they fly into the velvet night
carrying the burden of the world
Enemies conquering at every turn
When will the darkness turn into the sun.
I've seen better days
Walking miles in all different ways
soles of my shoes worn bare
Heart so fragile oh so fair
too tender to stomach this disaster
the wind harbors too many secrets
discretely embodying the lonely regrets
of the young and mindless who carry torches
following one another without any answer
before there's any questions
I'm floating in the breeze that takes me to any place
yet the white walls are caving in yet I know I'm safe
I feel it in my blood rushing through the pipe bring me home
walking on a tight rope don't look down.
The air is heavy, it burns my lungs.
Pressure in my head, I'm heavy
Pressure in my heart, It's heavy.
Breaking through the cage, my wings touch air.
I touch air.
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