All for you

I just wanted to write again relating to parenting and basically some other thoughts that a 29 year old from the midwest may have.


I realize that my life isn't exciting to read about but, its so much of an adventure while living. The new job is going by great!!!!!! I have no regrets that I made the right decision. The money is so much better, the days are fast. It will help my family out so much! The people are great and as much as I love kids, its nice to only have to focus on mine. I'm not as emotionally exhausted at the end of the day and can use that extra energy toward the child that matters the most to me. My own! It's been so refreshing and so very exciting! I'm so thankful that this opportunity was given to me and that I had the courage to step out of my comfort zone and took it.


I've spent too much of my life worrying about how my actions would affect others. Hurting peoples feelings or letting them down. I decided to stop and start worrying about my life and my family and what I need and what my FAMILY needs. Taking this job was my first step in doing what I needed to move forward and to benefit my life with my family. I'm so unbelievably happy to have a job that is less emotional less mentally exhausting so I can dedicate more of myself to my family. I've continued to work hard in my health and I'm doing so well. I'm also addicted to pushing myself harder and harder. I want more, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not sweeping my desires and goals under the rug...I'm fighting full force to make it all come true. I'm not hiding behind the curtain, I'm dancing on stage and I'm the star. I will absorb the spotlight and take in all because I'm worth it and this is my life and I only get to write this story once. That's all. you get one life, so make it worth it all to the very end. 

Sometimes, I feel that I'm not doing enough to make Jack's life the greatest. We haven't bought a house yet and I feel that a forever home will complete the family. I know it will happen in a few years but I'm so impatient. I want the world of him and I'm afraid that I will never be able to give him all the greatest opportunities in life or all the direction he will need. My heart hurts from all the love that fills for this small little boy. I get in a such terrible funks that I'm not doing well enough to be where I need to be or at least in be in the direction of where I want to go. I've been working so hard to try to manage these thoughts and all the things that need to be done so I can get to where I want to be for my family but I always feel like I'm failing and that I'll never be able to give the best to my family. Its this on going battle that I have with myself that brings me so low that sometimes I  just feel like falling apart long after everyone else has gone to sleep. I know I'm too  hard on myself and I put far too much pressure on myself but its these thoughts that keep encircling me that in a way motivate me to continue to push to find more to keep me wanting and fighting for more. I won't quick and I'll continue to do what I need to, to give the best to my family. Erik and I work HARD for everything that we have with NO help and I'm proud that we are able to get through this life  on our own. We're still climbing our mountain and one day we will reach the top and it will be beautiful. 
I need to learn to love the life I live while working on climbing. No more sad days because crying and worrying doesn't fix anything. We have food in the kitchen and roof over our heads and love in our home. We are wealthy in the ways that it matters.