Circle of life.

Even though, I just sit and tell myself to let it go. There's things in life that I can't change. It's completely out of my hands. I sit and make endless wishes trying to bargain with life, with father time. It doesn't work that way.  I know this, I've always known this. Yet, here I try.


A lot has changed in my life just in this year alone. I know one of the biggest life changing moments of my life will be happening soon. I'm not prepared. Who ever is right? We can sit and just to imagine how we will react, how we will feel...even how we heal. But, even if we think that we have it covered, and we've let it all sink in. It will still hit you like a punch in the gut. I'm easily triggered out of no where, things non related. Suddenly, I can't breathe.

There is so much more to do. So much more to see, to learn. All the things I know I should of made a visit. Why, do we allow life being full and busy as an excuse. It should never be a reason we don't allow ourselves to live, to allow ourselves a few hours to see an old face. To allow love to win. Family, life should always come first.

You're tired? good. Get up and make the time. Find a way. 

You're still here. I'm planning to see you soon. I'm afraid time will steal you before I can see you. I think I want to avoid it because I know it could be the last time I ever see you.
I'm not ready for a part of my life to be gone.

I'm so naive when it comes to life and how it works. When I think of myself growing old, I imagine everyone I love to always be there. If I'm 100 you're 163. You're always there. Everyone always is.
I'm learning every so harshly, that life is real. These things happen. Whether you think its fair or not. I know I'm being selfish, wishing that you'd stay. Even though your life isn't the one you love anymore, and your in pain.93 of life.
You've seen the world change so much. You've experienced so much. I hope...that with your life you are happy. That you lived in the way you wanted. I hope you still get to take all the enjoyment you have left. I hate that I have to word it like that. It's almost cruel this part of life. I wish that I could freeze time, or go back. There's so much I want to say, too much to do. Too much that I want to relive and re see. 

I already have too many questions. There's too many things I don't understand about this. Is it out of fear, Out of the heartache? One of the worse feelings in the world, is missing someone. How do you go on missing someone forever. This is the way it was meant to go. It doesn't mean I have to understand why. Acceptance. What is acceptance. Just letting things happen knowing it will....just allowing it to be a memory on the brain.

I'm fuzzy feeling. Everything is out of sort. I feel I'm watching this life from the outside. I haven't been able to shake my thoughts since the news yesterday. Even thought I'm great at pretending to be tough. I'm not as big of a rock as I pretend to me. I have cried over this for a while. When you first got sick. But I know that I need to be strong. I need to have it together. I feel, I was able to maintain so strong because it felt so far away. It felt like something we always talked about but never followed through. "Let's hang out sometime soon." "Yeah, of course. We'll chat soon and think of something."....and it never gets scheduled. It was never really suppose to end. 

Seeing, my mother trying to stay strong for all of us. I think that's one of the hardest things. I know her heart is breaking. I know she wants nothing more than to scream and cry. She has so much on her shoulders trying to take care of everyone. Trying to make sure everything is as smooth as it can be. She is tired, she is sick to her stomach with dread. As I try to put myself in her shoes. I'm not sure if I could be as strong as she can. Just the thoughts makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I could take the sadness from her, take the hurt. Once again.... life doesn't work that way.

There has to be a reason for all of this. Right? All of the pain and hurt that we feel in our lives. There as to be a reason to why, otherwise what is the lesson. What does it teach us in the bigger picture? How many times do we need to learn a lesson? How many times do we need to fall apart to truly understand getting up. To walk, to fly. WHAT does it all mean, and why.
I want to believe....more than anything....that there is a place. Heaven? meh I don't know. Maybe this place doesn't have a name. It doesn't have any more pain or limitations. You will be able to soar, and be exactly who you are and what you are, and live freely for the first time, and best yet be with those that you love. I want....I need to know that place is there. That we all get reunited at the end. To just disappear from this world, to have our light go out. Its too much of an awful shame. Goodbyes should never be forever.