Ronal Ray.

It's only been a little over a month. It still hurts to think about. It still hurts to believe. I still choke up when I think about you or even look at your picture. I don't want to believe it. But the pain in my chest, the ache in my lungs trying to get some air back into them. The hot stinging tears that slide down my face as I can't do anything but stand still in a world that is whizzing by me. You are gone and it was the biggest surprise of my life. 

As I sit here, trying to understand death and why it must be, how to cope. I've learned only one thing. It hurts. More than anything in the world.

I was trying to prepare myself for the death of Grandpa Joe. Who is still going strong, who is still fighting for everything. These past months with all the doctors telling us one thing after another. I've been focused on him, and how it will be when he leaves. Begging for more time. Even though he has been on this great Earth for 93 years. I keep thinking. Let's shoot for 100. We're this close why not?.....


When I got the call saying it was YOU.....Everything stopped. Every single breeze. Every single noise was muffled out. Nothing but a dead silence ringing through my ears as I felt my heart pulse through my chest in a swift panic. Nothing in that moment felt real. I didn't feel it was me in my body. I was watching it from someone else perspective. This isn't my life. This isn't real. It's only a dream. ITS A FUCKING DREAM. Wake up. I'm still in that nightmare searching for something of you. I want you back and its so frustrating and devastating that I will NEVER get you back. I'm angry about it. I'm so beside myself with this reality that I only continue to push it away. It's only real if I believe it to be...right?


Where are you? Why did you leave? I know it was no choice of yours but only the dark realm of time that we all try to avoid the thought. One day we we all leave one another. Left in the ache of heart break and confusion. I want to believe more than anything, Grandpa. That there is something after. The thought of you being nothing is more heartbreaking than I can even begin to think about. 

I want you to be happy. I want you to be free. I want you here with me. I never imagined my life without you until December 10th, 2019. I sometimes forget, as crazy as that seems. My mind refuses to acknowledge all of it this and it makes up this story so I can make it through the day. You're just home, in your room. Reading. I'm here living my life and I will see you soon. But I won't. I can't come to terms to know I will never hear your voice again. I will never hug you again. I will never hear you say, Love ya, Kid. again. And that is one of the only things I want. I want to hear you. I want you to know so many things. I want to say so much to you and I want to say nothing at all. I'm spinning around in this ride and I can't get off. I can't breathe. I'm so dizzy. Nothing feels real to me anymore. All of this is temporary. All of it. How fragile it all is, How quickly a moment can change our lives. How quickly a moment can fly by. Leaving us tangled in a web of darkness. Shattered by the simple three seconds it took to swipe us off our feet. When I stop and take a moment to absorb the world around me like I've always done. It hurts to see a new day that you never will. Already so much as happened in the world since you've left it....I want you back. I will say it until my lips are blue and chapped.

I know my heart will never be the same. My life will never be the same. The aching miss I have for you will haunt me for the rest of my life. I will try to push on. Be the best possible version of myself for my life, for my children. for my family. I will be the greatest, and I will do it for you. I miss you, Grandpa. I hope you knew how much I loved you. How much you meant to me, how much you STILL mean to me. I'm proud to be your granddaughter and I will miss you for the rest of my life. 
Rest in peace. Ronal Ray. 1939-2019. Love ya, Kid.